Well, for the moment I seem to be pregnant -- two pink lines this morning!! Now, I just keep praying hard...

The photo on the left there isn't actually *my* pregnancy test, as I seem to have thrown out the cord that connects my camera to my computer, alas. But you get the idea. 

Blood test tomorrow...

ok, I know I'm a bad poster, but at the moment, I want to add that I had 3 embryos transferred on Saturday, and today the lab said that one little ball of cells made to totsicle stage! I now have 3 in the deep freeze.

otherwise, it's just 6DPO/3dp3dt, so I'm going slowly crazy...

:)

well, it seems round 2 is here! I got a bit lazy about posting, because this is what I would have said: "wishing I were pregnant. having a hard time getting any schoolwork done."

so, my ER was Wednesday, and although there were just 6 eggs (17 last time!), all 6 fertilized, and the woman at the lab I spoke to yesterday was so nice and helpful and reassuring and offering me good information all around. later today, I'll find out how the little buds are doing, and if they're doing well, I'll probably have the transfer tomorrow.

meanwhile, I do have other news, which is that H (the gf) and I have decided to get hitched! ring and all! it happened just before Thanksgiving, at an Italian restaurant in my neighborhood (I had puttanesca; she had ravioli), and just after saying 'yes' church bells starting play Christmas carols. ah, the beauty of life. :)

yea! onto round 2 indeed. have I mentioned how much I like my RE practice? I very much do. Anyway, tomorrow I'll go back to the BCP and then onto the injections. Dr. B is quite hopeful -- though I didn't get pregnant with my first IVF, all of the numbers were good and there isn't reason to worry, other than the fact that I'm 41...

well, it's time for round 2. no dice on the first IVF, alas. seeing Dr. B. in the AM. more soon.

crabby and sad

so it's 10dp3dt/13dpo, and BFN. I am mildly encouraged by FF's stats that 57% of BFPs happen at 14dpo or more, but I'm still under the covers anyway. Tomorrow morning is my beta. Not much else to report. 

Well, except that I had what I thought was a job interview on Tuesday, only to find out that *now* she'll send me application materials... oy. 

ok. in positive news, today I received my fabulous new heated mattress pad, and I think I'm in love.

transfer!

oops -- sorry! they did indeed do the ET yesterday, 3 embryos (2 were 7-cell; 1 was 6-cell and compacting, which is a good thing, because that means it's getting ready to divide). there are 8 more that they're going to keep culturing, but the RE wasn't all that hopeful that I'd get any totsicles out of them. Right before the transfer, the woman from the lab brought me the lid from the petri dish as a souvenir, which of course I've been carrying around in my pocket in case the embryos miss their first home, of course!

H was there for the whole thing, and I think she mostly enjoyed talking with one of the nurses about their respective little dogs.  The time in the transfer room did include a while when I could see a reflection of the 'action' before they moved the reflective light fixture from right over me. It was kind of cool. 

Needless to say, I felt victorious when I realized that I'd made coffee this morning without obsessing about whether the pregnancy will take; even took a shower and got dressed without thinking about it. Otherwise, yea, mostly thinking about it. Is it the 31st yet? 

What I actually should be thinking about is the reading I need to do for my Zohar class, and the paper I need to write for my leadership seminar. So perhaps I'll refresh my peppermint tea and read a bit.

wow. there are 11 eggs that have fertilized, and 8 of them are at the desired 4-cell stage (desired for 2 days post-retrieval)! tomorrow morning 8:30 is the transfer, and I'm so praying that this results in a sweet baby...aware that it might not, but hopeful nonetheless. I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday, and I have another scheduled right after the transfer. that's me for now -- the rest of today will include soup-making, maybe a movie, and the seventh game of the ALCS.  

so, retrieval was yesterday, and they got 17 eggs! of course, not all of them are mature enough, and between that and my age, I'm certain that it won't be a whole baseball team of embryos, but I'll have the initial fertilization report later today. other than the fact that I feel like my lower abdomen is a gas chamber, the process was painless and easy. I have an acupuncture appointment this afternoon and likely one on the day of transfer; otherwise, it's life as usual.

she aims, she shoots

yea! I got to do my trigger tonight, which means that I'm having the egg retrieval on friday morning. there were 14 juicy follicles, a couple on the small side, but some nice ones too. this is where it now starts to get complicated and question-filled: will they fertilize? will just one pretty please implant and grow into a baby? be healthy? remember to say thank you and look before crossing the street? ooh, I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

shooting up

dear heavens, I've been remiss!!!

so, yes, I'm on the bandwagon...4 injections each day, and I'm loving it. 

yes, you read that correctly. I get to do 2 injections in the morning and 2 more in the evening, and you'd think it was mint chip ice cream or a beach vacation the way I look forward to it, but it's true. they don't hurt, they bring me closer to the potential of pregnancy and parenthood, and I love having a new skill. 

so far, I don't think they've made me moody -- unless skippity and giddy count as moody -- though my belly looks a bit battered from all the needles. I also am feeling good about the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services I led, together with a first-year student from my school, and glad now for the beauty of autumn and a few more days off from school. 

ah, pills!

Trying to get pregnant, modern era: So it's been a year, and of course I've read all there is to read about tummy time and swaddling and eating pineapple for implantation, and raising baby on a budget, and FertiliTea, and whatever else I think might bring forth the angels of conception, because just waiting has lost its shine at this point. So what brings forth a moment of excitement this morning, coffee in hand? 

"Oh! I haven't yet taken today's birth control pill!"

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the one thing I can do right now to get pregnant is Take Birth Control. Modern livin' -- funny, ain't it? 

Well, we may be onto something here! I reached the start of this cycle, and I'm happily popping birth control pills in preparation for the IVF. My RE's office gave me a lovely little booklet about the various stabbing instructions for the injections, which I'll start sometime in a week or so, I think. Four each day --

Meanwhile, I'm in the midst of various school-year things starting. We just had a good week of pre-high holiday learning, and this afternoon I'm headed with my friend N and her 2-month-old painfully cute son A to a retreat at a camp in NH with my school. This is my last year in school, and already I'm nostalgic about each 'last' thing... 

happy birthday, Julia Child

Two topics: one, blood work. two, Julia Child. (no, not the spy thing, which I've actually not read about yet) 

blood work: FSH= 4.59, so that's super! and my estrodial was 60, also good. Now, I'm on to the C.lomid Challenge, popping pills for 5 days.

Julia Child: Today would have been her 96th birthday, so of course I'm having a Shabbat birthday dinner of her recipes in her memory. Since it's a summer evening, I'm going simple: chicken sauteed in white wine, and a nice salad with a simple vinaigrette. And certainly, wine to drink! I'm in the middle of listening to her book, My Life in France, so it's perfect timing.

Westfalia: ok, this is the third topic. A 1991 VW Westfalia in great condition is what I'd like for my graduation next year. A lot to hope for, but there it is. 

welp, I'm hoping I'm getting back on the track. after waiting for 2 months, my uterus decided to shed its lining, so today I went to get preliminary bloodwork done, and I'm not at home, biting my nails and hoping for good numbers.

Clomid and the Cape

Well, I've not had much to report, but a friend just noted my lack of blogging, and having interested readership is the best, so here I am! Apparently my body wanted to test my patience, so I'm still waiting to do the Clomid Challenge (no, it doesn't involve laundry, just testing my egg production), which if things go well should be in about 11 days, and then the cycle that I would actually do the IVF! It will be interesting to juggle all the ultrasound wanding of my uterus and associated neighborhood, the needles in my belly, together with the first weeks of school and my internship and preparing to lead services for the high holidays...

In other news, things are going well with H -- we went on our first little vacation together, to the Cape (i.e. Cod), and had a super time. We rented our friends' house in Chatham, but mostly enjoyed my familar haunts of Wellfleet, Cliff Pond in Nickerson State Park, and Provincetown, beach and town. Kayaking, swimming, good food, and fun people-watching. Strange, though, it was family week in P'town -- for LGBT families -- and yet there were tons of straight families. Like you'd expect at a baseball game, regular ordinary straight. Tons of 'em! I didn't love it. We did, however, have a couple of friendly brief encounter conversations with a sweet gay couple and their two sons, and I decided that I would love to be friends with a gay couple and their kids. I know it sounds commodifying of me, but I really like men, and frankly gay men who are parents have just the right combination of manly and sweet. It didn't hurt that they live in California; too bad I don't know their last names.

can I use that timer below for all of my posts? last month's good-girl waiting didn't seem to be the ticket to pregnancy, alas. on to IVF! 

so, in order to get things clear, I just went to the financial office at my RE  -- and they were fabulous -- to find out what was what with some billing confusion and with pursuing this IVF, and it turns out that I need to do yet another test that it's too late to do in order for me to do IVF next month (had to take this month off because I needed to do tests before getting insurance approval), so I now have an added mandate to get in total shape this summer, before going for the IVF in August. 

so that's what I'm going to be up to -- getting my body in shape, getting my leftover schoolwork done, and generally getting more ready to be in my life successfully! I know, it sounds like new year's day resolutions...

well, it's one thing to think that people will read my blog in the first place, but if I don't write anything, well, sheesh. what do I expect? 

so I will now let you in on my last week: lots of waiting. it's really not all that exciting. I did my taxes today (at last!), and I'm glad to report that I'm getting a nice refund, and I did enjoy watering my garden, which is very very satisfying. for 13 years in my old apartment, I had a perennial garden that I loved, including some plants that I miss very much (sappy but true). my new apartment is in a more urban neighborhood, without a lovely grassy yard for a perennial garden, but I have a wonderful little patch about 3' x 6' where I've planted my first adult vegetable garden. and the planties are thriving!!! broccoli, tomatoes, beets, eggplant, onions, nasturtiums, parsley, basil, mint (yes of course it's in a pot!), red bell peppers, lettuce, sage, thyme, rosemary, and sunflowers for fun in the back. hey! I have all of the simon and garfunkel herbs!

I've decided to wait until 15 DPO this month, and today is 13 DPO, so I'm getting there. it's not the waiting that's so hard, it's the not knowing. tomorrow I'm driving to NYC to spend the day with my friend A, which will be great, and a good distraction; then I drive home, go to sleep, and POAS the next morning. so very much hoping for good news...stay tuned. 

So, I'm sitting at my current fave coffee shop (independently owned, amazing and chewy homemade granola bars, free wifi, and well, cupcake happy hour), working on a paper -- yes, due today -- for a course I just finished, titled Rabbinic Anthropology. I loved this class, and it was super to end the year in an intensive seminar that just evoked for me so much happiness and gratitude to be in this school. Because the paper topic is one that addresses Big Questions rather than a more concrete/detailed topic,  it feels like a coda to the whole year, though I'm no Beethoven.

Besides, in theory it keeps me distracted from Wondering.

hope springs eternal

Alas, lovely crampishness does not always a baby make. So, today it was on to IUI #8 -- H came along with me (and oy, we left her unknowing daughter in the waiting room!), and once again I'm in the land of the hopeful. Afterward, the three of us went to my favorite place for pizza, took a walk on the beach, drove up to Boston, and had a sweet little Memorial Day bbq with friends. Had some sangria as well, because we were with friends who conceived on the night of having had too many cosmopolitans. In the alcohol department, I actually had quite little, but it was part of this month's round of superstitious fertility tricks. So for now I'm on to drinking lots of water, trying to eat well, and walk lots to encourage greater svelteness followed by pregnancy. That's the hope.

sunday morning

pregnancy progress update: I have been having lovely crampishness and some calf pain, which a couple of my cyberfriends in fertilityland have said were early signs of pregnancy for them. so I'm being cautiously hopeful...

in other news, I am at H's house (new gf), where I have just committed to an exclusive datingship. it's been over 2 months, so it's definitely time. it's very nice to have a wonderful person to be with. and it's a nice plus that she also made me coffee this morning!

my plans for the day are very exciting: read a book by AJ Heschel (Who Is Man) and a couple of articles for a two-week intensive class that will finish out the semester. Actually, this class ends the day after the end-of- year party... Alas. But then it will be summer, and I am hoping to write a megillah (scroll of Esther) and kayak, and perhaps do some bartending and/or some internship-type of work. 

lots of eggs

so, this is the sixth time with my preferred donor -- did one in between with a spur-of-the-moment donor, and I'm actually glad it didn't work. no drama, just that I preferred My Guy. I did an IUI yesterday, preceded by an ultrasound peek at the follicles and a trigger shot. I LOVE the trigger shot. There's nothing like knowing exactly when I'm ovulating. Did I really just say that? Ovulation timing has become my most exciting activity? um, yes. (especially since I'd taken 100 mg of Clomid -- moved through that fear -- and had several nice big friendly follicles just waiting to be my child.)

I also had an acupuncture appointment early yesterday evening, then promptly went to buy fertility foods that I'd not yet tried: pineapple in two forms, sardines, brazil nuts, whole milk yogurt.  and I ate an egg. with it being Passover, I have plenty of hard-boiled eggs in the fridge! and because I was following a Highly Scientific Theory of Someone's Embryologist, I had an Egg McMuffin (despite it being Passover) yesterday morning, before the IUI. I will also have another couple next week during the possible implantation days.

meanwhile, I'm waiting -- reading about what's happening with my cyber babymaking friends, and hoping every moment for fertility fortune to smile upon me.

very winter

ok, so the third time wasn't the charm. if it had been, I would have had an embryo made almost completely of persimmons -- my last few weeks in Jerusalem, I must have eaten about 30 persimmons, which were a total delight. I'm now back home in Providence, where the fruit selection does not include guava, dragonfruit, or persimmons, but where my apartment does have central heating, so I'll go with that for now.

On the reproductive front, IUI #5 was this past Tuesday, and I'm now in the (what feels like a 5-month-long) two-week-wait. New developments this time: a friend came with me (I decided that yes, I'd faced the being a single parent thing, and it would be nice to have her company), and also I am now doing a little hormonal support. :) 

I had a little fantasy that I'd be going on lots of wintry hikes when I got back here, but frankly, it's been more cold than inspiring; combined with a serious Winter Cold, I'm basically indoors. Hiking will have to commence once the temperature thaws a bit. In the meantime, I've decided that I will watch all of Sex and the City -- no, I'd never seen ANY episode before this week -- as my winter entertainment. So far: one season down, 5 to go.