our sweet potato

So, a little update post. In the eating department, Nina has now eaten (in addition to the banana) broccoli, apple, a disc of raw carrot at the Himalayan Bistro (where we went to celebrate Jo's arrival day!) along with teensy tastes of mint and tamarind -- and this evening at dinner, she had sweet potato fries and oatmeal! Now, not a great deal of food is actually getting in, but she's biting away and mooshing it around in there, and there were definite swallowing sounds! bits of gagging here and there, but that's a part of the whole baby led weaning enterprise. The babelet even spent a good deal of time with the spoon in her mouth, even if it wasn't the traditional eating-end of the spoon.

For Purim, our family dressed as Red Sox players and said we were Spring Training -- and we won second place! I was so happy that Hali did it, because she's not big on costumery or having things not be what they seem, so baseball players seemed like an innocuous way to start. I also made her a wool felted crown, but alas, in the felting process it became too small for her head...

I also did a little editing of her Er.go -- took off the label and ironed a few patches, just for a spot of fun. Not the same as sewing my own baby carrier, but it's a start. In the sewing department: I also bought fabric to make little birdie for a mobile for Nina's room, and I'm very excited to start. I think I should probably throw the fabrics in the wash first, but I *so* much want to get started! In the meantime, I'm knitting Hali some mittens, and I have yarn for a pair of pants I'm going to make for Nina for next year.

Hali is getting into the whole homemade life herself, and this evening she's making soap and ice cream. Sure, money's tight, but we're having fun.

babylife

is going well! (other than sleep, but that's its own ball of wax) Nina started playcare -- the term that helps me make peace with her being in day care -- a few weeks ago, and though it's not a Montessori, big windows and all-wood everything, it's great. She is in a home day care that is across the street from our house, in a house with a double backyard and 6 other kidlets. Today, after going to meet a group of moms and a dad (from a local parents listserv) for coffee, I brought Nina over and they were in the yard, snow and all, playing in the sunshine.

I thought 'o, it's too bad that Nina needs her diaper changed and is ready for a nap, because now someone will have to go inside with her,' -- but I was pleasantly surprised! They have a changing table and a crib in the open garage by the yard, and they'll just wrap her in the sleep sack and swaddle her up and my little girl will get a midwinter nap en plein air...so very sweet.

Otherwise, she's fabulous. SItting unassisted, trying out the high chair, which is our old Tripp Trapp (from when Jo was younger!), chewing on spoons -- and has even tried a banana once! I said to H, "Look, she just put it right in her mouth -- she knew just what to do and put it in without even figuring it out!" H looked at me funny, because the part I was missing is that Nina puts everything in her mouth...Anyway, she enjoyed it, and I enjoyed calling her baNina for a day or two.

navigating simplicity

so, where to begin? our little sprout is 4 months old, I'm back at work, about to launch into part-time childcare for Nina (something I'd never really envisioned...), and trying to figure out how to simplify our life, weave together the experiences and needs of one pre-existing child with my priorities for our family, and not spend so much of that time on the internet!

small accomplishment: I have knitted a couple of cloths for Nina, which were to be washcloths, but seem to be little lickie cloths at the moment. I made them with red yarn from a never-completed sweater for a friend's son. son is now 15. (!).

I just may follow my friend Casey's lead and start ordering a weekly vegetable delivery from Boston Organics -- which seems like a compromise between a CSA which hasn't been the right mix of veggies for our family, and going to a farmer's market, which just isn't in the cards yet due to my still trying to navigate my life.

the hard part: Hali was single for several years before we met, working full-time and going to school, and Jo has Cerebral Palsy and is (basically) an only child (she has 2 older half-sisters, but they're grown and in the world. As a result, Hali became accustomed to Jo watching a lot of junky TV -- it was the only break Hali had to do things like make dinner and such -- and we also own a Wii. Apparently the Wii is, in theory, good for Jo to work on strengthening her muscles and coordination (she uses one with her OT), and as a child who is sporty -- and an only child, and one with CP, and therefore not so easily able to play sports with other kids -- the Wii makes some things possible that wouldn't otherwise be an option without a tremendous effort of time, money, and/or expense, none of which we have at the moment.

So what do I do? I don't want Nina growing up with iCarly in the background. Probably I mostly need to chill the heck out, but I'd love others' perspectives on becoming a simple-living family. Hali does support my interests for the most part, and TV watching has gone down, so perhaps I need to be more patient and put more energy into what I can do and less into what others are or are not doing, and go from there...

hanukah with kids

the best package ever arrived in the mail from Gram and Zayde! for years, I've felt bad not to have given my mom grandchildren because I know that she would send them the cutest little packages...

and now I have.

and she did.

striped tights and a polka-dot hat and onesies and teething rings for Nina.
Hello Kitty markers and a journal and a notepad for Jo.
dark chocolate and tea for us.
a batch of her oatmeal cookies for everyone.
and yes, even a sweater for the dog! (says: bah humbug)
the gifts were wrapped in color comics (I'm originally from St. Louis, where there are color comics every day!) and the chinese american news and little organza bags -- blue and white for Hanukah -- except o yea! the chocolate gelt in a gold bag. ;)

a totally sweet package, a box filled with small treats.

and then today, I spent the day making hot cocoa mix for Jo's teachers and some local folks, and then wrapping them up with ribbon and fabric. very slowly working my way up to Lynn's level (familiystylelove.blogspot.com) -- with a long way to go!

So, I had 8 weeks of 'maternity leave' -- in quotation marks because during that time, I had to officiate at 5 bar/bat mitzvahs, prepare a curriculum for my 10th graders, and get some things together for the cantor, which required a number of backs and forths... Now, the plan was to have my first two weeks back at work be half-weeks (i.e. 15 instead of 30 hours), but I am now headed for 30 hours just this week alone, plus an unexpected funeral.

Of course, the work itself is a bit of a juggle -- being back at work with the babe is interesting -- as a rabbi I'm either supposed to be thinking Big Serious Meaningful Thoughts and/or having a Meaningful Interaction with a congregant or student. Mostly what I do is jiggle the baby and try to sound like I'm typing Something Very Important. My congregation is 45 minutes away, so I'm also juggling her nap time to try to coincide with driving. works sometimes; others, not so much.

In the meantime, Nina is doing great -- first of all, she has fabulous head control (it's a start!), smiles lots, and is doing great at sleeping. A couple of feeds in the night, but they're dream feeds, so we're both pretty happy.

ok. time to cram before teaching later this morning!

health

whew. from curious to scary to fine...

for a few days, I'd noticed that Nina seemed to have a mucousy ear. I really didn't think it was a big deal, just strange -- but the doc said the words "children's hospital-ER-rule out meningitis" and that made for some scariness.

so I got Hali and went, and fell apart and held it together alternatingly, and it seems that Nina has swimmer's ear (aka out ear infection). I was so scared when I thought my baby daughter might be seriously sick...dear god. and grateful to live 10 minutes from boston children's hospital.

and now, she's just sitting on Hali's lap, doing the same silly jiggle-head and tongue-trick things Hali is doing, and I am amazed that she can mimic things already, and amazed at our good fortune...

newborn life

So, I'm doing ok here in newbornland -- some nights are better than others, but clearly, not overstimulating her with running around during the day is key. Yes to going out, no to going to 5 places in one day. We went for our first walk yesterday -- I put her in the stroller and walked around the neighborhood, then stopped at home, grabbed my library card and walked there to get 2 books I had on hold (it was 3 actually, but the third was Ina May's Guide to Childbirth -- too late!). Who knows if I'll actually get to read the books, but it felt great. I've also learned to start the day slowly for now, going down to make my coffee after H & J leave, then climbing back in bed for a nurse/snooze with Nina. makes the day immensely better. Today, I have already prepped dinner and I am nearing the end of the 4-6 washing/drying cycles for the diaper inserts. Which means that very soon, we will bite the bullet and become CD mamas!

In Nina's first two weeks, she went to a Rosh Hashanah lunch (at 5 daysold!), attended three high holiday services, went to my favorite grocery store, and came along for that trip to the library!

Didn't post this when I wrote it yesterday, so I can now add that Nina's tushie is now safely ensconced in a cloth diaper. Love doing it, but I have to say, it's not as trim as those disposables...plus, what with being dressed and all, you can't see the CUTEness of the cloth, alas. ;)

arrived.

our sweet Nina is here. She eats like a champ, sleeps like a dream -- well, except for 2-4 AM...

Sometimes I get overwhelmed at her vulnerability and that she is my/our responsibility for everything, and other times, I feel so completely blessed to teach her about trees and French toast and walking on the beach. Her big sister (H's daughter) has taken quite a liking to her new little sister, thank GOODNESS. My mom is here for 2 weeks, which has been great. I feel a bit spoiled, but it really is nice to have someone bring me a glass of water, or hold her little granddaughter while I take a shower, all of it. Jo seems to be connecting even more with my parents as her own grandparents, with no pushing from us. We've encouraged the relationship, but we've been careful not to push her to see them as grandp's unless and until she chooses to.

I am loving being a mom, loving feeding her, staring into her sometimes-open eyes, amazed that she looks like me and is at the same time very much her own person...what will this be, motherhood?

39+ weeks

well, I'm 2 months into my rabbi gig, and 9 months into my pregnancy gig. I'm now at home (i.e. not going to work until after my maternity leave!), which is great, and I am totally ready for this little duckling to emerge... The only thing I really want to do is cook, simply because I like to cook -- but between the swollen achy ankles and the neuropathy in my hands from the pregnancy/carpal tunnel phenomenon, even cooking seems to leaved me wiped out.

and today, Hali greeted me in the kitchen with some good news-bad news. bad news: we need a new water heater (old one seems to be leaking all over the basement floor). good news: we're alive and well and the guys will be here to replace it in the next 2 hours. My life really has gone from single gal in the city to home-owning-family-person in a very short time!

interdependence day

so, apparently I've ignored the blog for a while...in the meantime, I'm now 32 weeks pregnant and MARRIED!!! H and I were married on Sunday, the first weekend of sun in about a month, and I am happy happy happy...

a few things I would do differently if I could have a do-over: 1. I would get the cake from my favorite bakery. (the cupcakes we did, at each table, were actually a bit dry, and the cake from my favorite place, which we did have two nights before the wedding, is STILL perfect.) 2. I would have a definite dance floor and a DJ. (we used an iPod, and things just didn't fall into place, dance-wise. 3. I would serve twice as much sangria. (it was fabulous.)

photos soon! 

I am loving being pregnant, loving feeling this babelet move around, and I am tremendously glad that between now and then, I only have to go to work, live my regular life, and drink more water. buying a house, graduating, negotiating a job, planning a wedding, and getting married have been a bit much activity! 

employed

So, it appears that I will be graduating with a job!  (phew.) Once contract details are worked out, I am going to be the rabbi of a 220-family Reform congregation -- the people have been wonderful, and though I will have a long commute, I will usually be there only 3 days per week.  

While right now I am a single person, renting a very cute little apartment by myself, in just a few short months, I will be (godwilling) a homeowner, spouse, parent and step-parent, co ngregational rabbi, and mind-boggled person.

the zodiac up there is from the 6th-century synagogue at Beit Alpha, in northern Israel. I first saw this zodiac in a class -- during my first year of school -- on the book of Genesis, and then traveled to Israel that summer and saw it in person. While the tile-work in the synagogue where I'll be working is not quite that detailed, I have dreams...and yea, they're mostly architectural.

Meanwhile, the little Virgo inside of me seems to be dancing up a storm. I can't imagine that it has anything to do with the sugar high of the leftover toasted-coconut-marshmallows I just ate, does it? ;)

thumper

ok, so that may be overstating it a teensy, but last night I actually felt Cleo (that's her inside name) thump me a bit! it was definitely her, because my eyes just flew open that instant, and it was just...different from anything I've felt before. surreal and real and stunning. 

I had just been thinking yesterday evening about what a tremendous miracle it is how humans develop inside other humans from little gooey specks, and how amazing and convenient -- despite the discomforts of pregnancy -- that we literally get to carry them inside at the perfect temperature, getting them everything they need. it's just stunning. and then Cleo lets me know she's in there. and then I can just go about my night and day as I would. wild. and much easier than I know parenting will be... 

way to go, Iowa!

It's such sweet news that Iowa has recognized the need for marriage equality today -- and I'm more than a little excited to be friends with the lead couple (the Varnum in Varnum v. Brien)! I'm so glad that my wonderful midwest is part of the progressive front in this issue...

Of course, life has continued along, and quite blessedly for me, I have to say. The short version:

1. I'm now 18 weeks pregnant (totally showing, and now wearing maternity clothes!), and it's been smooth sailing so far. 

2. I also got a job as a congregational rabbi, which I'm so happy about. Graduating at the end of May, and then I imagine I'll start work at the end of June or beginning of July.

3. H and I are buying a house, and it's sweet and old and has a fireplace and a yard with a garden.

4. H and I are getting married! July 5th.

Really, the only thing that I could heap on top of this would be to win the lottery... 

ok, I have been an absent blogger. I'm still loving the PB and honey on toast, but holy smokes, I'm already at 13w 3d! In the meantime: I have heart the babe's lovely HB several times, and I had a CVS done last week, which showed a chromosomally healthy little baby -- GIRL. More than anything, the gender thing just makes it so much more real. 

I've continued to be hungry all the time, and still tired, but a bit less perhaps, and am just realizing today that I'm either getting fussier about my coffee (as in, only I can make it right!), or I'm just not loving coffee as much right now. Which is a bummer. Coffee is to mornings what mint chip ice cream is to evenings, only *way* more so, and with a much longer history. Coffee and I have been together, for, oh, forever...

I'm definitely porkier -- a friend who does know I'm pregnant said that if he didn't know, he'd just say that I'm looking portly. um, thanks. Anyway, my hope is to get through job interviews without being obviously pregnant, but I'm thinking that is going to get more tricky very soon. 

In other news, H and I have put in an offer on a house to buy, and she told her daughter last night about the prospect of moving. It was finally time to help her put together the idea of our getting married with the implication of a bigger place. Her response: as long as she can stay at her current school and bring her Wii to the new house, she's game. :) So we'll see what happens on the house front, and meanwhile I had better get cracking on my homework. 

one hungry gal!

So, it would seem that all it takes to bring me blissful happiness the last couple of days is PB and honey on toast. or sometimes melted cheese on toast. I do wish for a tinge more symptom-ness (tremendous puking not so much), just so I'd have a better sense of being pregnant. My first MW appointment isn't until Feb 2 -- oh, the long wait...

Today I am writing a paper on Jewish mysticism -- ah, yes, the end of last semester! -- and then I will get more on board with my project of bringing organic, grass-finished, sustainably-sourced beef and lamb to Providence (available kosher or not, halal-process too)! I bet you weren't expecting me to say that, eh? 

one hungry caterpillar!

I am very relieved to say that there is one little bean in there, which H and I saw on my first ultrasound yesterday! Stunning, really, to realize that there is a heart beating deep inside me, that two little cells have evolved to this point and godwilling will continue to do so. The little blob we saw looked like the bean was *all* heart :) -- because the whole blob was whomping around in the sac. This means that I've graduated from the RE office and now need to choose a midwife, also stunning.

Amidst all this, I am enjoying getting to be a bit of the earth mama I hope to be. Which at the moment, other than making my own yogurt, mostly means eating very well/organic/nothing processed, being calm, listening to soothing music, trying to get enough exercise and water and omega-3s, sleep, yadda. It's not as challenging at this point as I imagine it would be with a human on the outside! 

And gosh, I am HUNGRY ALL THE TIME! I woke up in the night restless and feeling hungry, and I thought "hunger and thirst often feel the same; I'll start with a large glass of water" (so I don't eat every single time the thought occurs to me) -- but lo and behold, after the water and some reading, I was still definitely hungry. Ate some walnuts, and woke up at 7 AM...hungry.

well, a little update: my betas have been good -- a bit too good, I fear! -- 12 DPO: 53; 14 DPO: 150; 23 DPO: 7800 (that last one was today). So, yes, I'm clearly pregnant for now...I really want this to be a healthy singleton pregnancy, and I'm beginning to wonder whether I have a whole preschool in there!

Well, for the moment I seem to be pregnant -- two pink lines this morning!! Now, I just keep praying hard...

The photo on the left there isn't actually *my* pregnancy test, as I seem to have thrown out the cord that connects my camera to my computer, alas. But you get the idea. 

Blood test tomorrow...

ok, I know I'm a bad poster, but at the moment, I want to add that I had 3 embryos transferred on Saturday, and today the lab said that one little ball of cells made to totsicle stage! I now have 3 in the deep freeze.

otherwise, it's just 6DPO/3dp3dt, so I'm going slowly crazy...

:)

well, it seems round 2 is here! I got a bit lazy about posting, because this is what I would have said: "wishing I were pregnant. having a hard time getting any schoolwork done."

so, my ER was Wednesday, and although there were just 6 eggs (17 last time!), all 6 fertilized, and the woman at the lab I spoke to yesterday was so nice and helpful and reassuring and offering me good information all around. later today, I'll find out how the little buds are doing, and if they're doing well, I'll probably have the transfer tomorrow.

meanwhile, I do have other news, which is that H (the gf) and I have decided to get hitched! ring and all! it happened just before Thanksgiving, at an Italian restaurant in my neighborhood (I had puttanesca; she had ravioli), and just after saying 'yes' church bells starting play Christmas carols. ah, the beauty of life. :)

yea! onto round 2 indeed. have I mentioned how much I like my RE practice? I very much do. Anyway, tomorrow I'll go back to the BCP and then onto the injections. Dr. B is quite hopeful -- though I didn't get pregnant with my first IVF, all of the numbers were good and there isn't reason to worry, other than the fact that I'm 41...

well, it's time for round 2. no dice on the first IVF, alas. seeing Dr. B. in the AM. more soon.

crabby and sad

so it's 10dp3dt/13dpo, and BFN. I am mildly encouraged by FF's stats that 57% of BFPs happen at 14dpo or more, but I'm still under the covers anyway. Tomorrow morning is my beta. Not much else to report. 

Well, except that I had what I thought was a job interview on Tuesday, only to find out that *now* she'll send me application materials... oy. 

ok. in positive news, today I received my fabulous new heated mattress pad, and I think I'm in love.

transfer!

oops -- sorry! they did indeed do the ET yesterday, 3 embryos (2 were 7-cell; 1 was 6-cell and compacting, which is a good thing, because that means it's getting ready to divide). there are 8 more that they're going to keep culturing, but the RE wasn't all that hopeful that I'd get any totsicles out of them. Right before the transfer, the woman from the lab brought me the lid from the petri dish as a souvenir, which of course I've been carrying around in my pocket in case the embryos miss their first home, of course!

H was there for the whole thing, and I think she mostly enjoyed talking with one of the nurses about their respective little dogs.  The time in the transfer room did include a while when I could see a reflection of the 'action' before they moved the reflective light fixture from right over me. It was kind of cool. 

Needless to say, I felt victorious when I realized that I'd made coffee this morning without obsessing about whether the pregnancy will take; even took a shower and got dressed without thinking about it. Otherwise, yea, mostly thinking about it. Is it the 31st yet? 

What I actually should be thinking about is the reading I need to do for my Zohar class, and the paper I need to write for my leadership seminar. So perhaps I'll refresh my peppermint tea and read a bit.

wow. there are 11 eggs that have fertilized, and 8 of them are at the desired 4-cell stage (desired for 2 days post-retrieval)! tomorrow morning 8:30 is the transfer, and I'm so praying that this results in a sweet baby...aware that it might not, but hopeful nonetheless. I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday, and I have another scheduled right after the transfer. that's me for now -- the rest of today will include soup-making, maybe a movie, and the seventh game of the ALCS.  

so, retrieval was yesterday, and they got 17 eggs! of course, not all of them are mature enough, and between that and my age, I'm certain that it won't be a whole baseball team of embryos, but I'll have the initial fertilization report later today. other than the fact that I feel like my lower abdomen is a gas chamber, the process was painless and easy. I have an acupuncture appointment this afternoon and likely one on the day of transfer; otherwise, it's life as usual.

she aims, she shoots

yea! I got to do my trigger tonight, which means that I'm having the egg retrieval on friday morning. there were 14 juicy follicles, a couple on the small side, but some nice ones too. this is where it now starts to get complicated and question-filled: will they fertilize? will just one pretty please implant and grow into a baby? be healthy? remember to say thank you and look before crossing the street? ooh, I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

shooting up

dear heavens, I've been remiss!!!

so, yes, I'm on the bandwagon...4 injections each day, and I'm loving it. 

yes, you read that correctly. I get to do 2 injections in the morning and 2 more in the evening, and you'd think it was mint chip ice cream or a beach vacation the way I look forward to it, but it's true. they don't hurt, they bring me closer to the potential of pregnancy and parenthood, and I love having a new skill. 

so far, I don't think they've made me moody -- unless skippity and giddy count as moody -- though my belly looks a bit battered from all the needles. I also am feeling good about the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services I led, together with a first-year student from my school, and glad now for the beauty of autumn and a few more days off from school. 

ah, pills!

Trying to get pregnant, modern era: So it's been a year, and of course I've read all there is to read about tummy time and swaddling and eating pineapple for implantation, and raising baby on a budget, and FertiliTea, and whatever else I think might bring forth the angels of conception, because just waiting has lost its shine at this point. So what brings forth a moment of excitement this morning, coffee in hand? 

"Oh! I haven't yet taken today's birth control pill!"

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the one thing I can do right now to get pregnant is Take Birth Control. Modern livin' -- funny, ain't it? 

Well, we may be onto something here! I reached the start of this cycle, and I'm happily popping birth control pills in preparation for the IVF. My RE's office gave me a lovely little booklet about the various stabbing instructions for the injections, which I'll start sometime in a week or so, I think. Four each day --

Meanwhile, I'm in the midst of various school-year things starting. We just had a good week of pre-high holiday learning, and this afternoon I'm headed with my friend N and her 2-month-old painfully cute son A to a retreat at a camp in NH with my school. This is my last year in school, and already I'm nostalgic about each 'last' thing... 

happy birthday, Julia Child

Two topics: one, blood work. two, Julia Child. (no, not the spy thing, which I've actually not read about yet) 

blood work: FSH= 4.59, so that's super! and my estrodial was 60, also good. Now, I'm on to the C.lomid Challenge, popping pills for 5 days.

Julia Child: Today would have been her 96th birthday, so of course I'm having a Shabbat birthday dinner of her recipes in her memory. Since it's a summer evening, I'm going simple: chicken sauteed in white wine, and a nice salad with a simple vinaigrette. And certainly, wine to drink! I'm in the middle of listening to her book, My Life in France, so it's perfect timing.

Westfalia: ok, this is the third topic. A 1991 VW Westfalia in great condition is what I'd like for my graduation next year. A lot to hope for, but there it is. 

welp, I'm hoping I'm getting back on the track. after waiting for 2 months, my uterus decided to shed its lining, so today I went to get preliminary bloodwork done, and I'm not at home, biting my nails and hoping for good numbers.

Clomid and the Cape

Well, I've not had much to report, but a friend just noted my lack of blogging, and having interested readership is the best, so here I am! Apparently my body wanted to test my patience, so I'm still waiting to do the Clomid Challenge (no, it doesn't involve laundry, just testing my egg production), which if things go well should be in about 11 days, and then the cycle that I would actually do the IVF! It will be interesting to juggle all the ultrasound wanding of my uterus and associated neighborhood, the needles in my belly, together with the first weeks of school and my internship and preparing to lead services for the high holidays...

In other news, things are going well with H -- we went on our first little vacation together, to the Cape (i.e. Cod), and had a super time. We rented our friends' house in Chatham, but mostly enjoyed my familar haunts of Wellfleet, Cliff Pond in Nickerson State Park, and Provincetown, beach and town. Kayaking, swimming, good food, and fun people-watching. Strange, though, it was family week in P'town -- for LGBT families -- and yet there were tons of straight families. Like you'd expect at a baseball game, regular ordinary straight. Tons of 'em! I didn't love it. We did, however, have a couple of friendly brief encounter conversations with a sweet gay couple and their two sons, and I decided that I would love to be friends with a gay couple and their kids. I know it sounds commodifying of me, but I really like men, and frankly gay men who are parents have just the right combination of manly and sweet. It didn't hurt that they live in California; too bad I don't know their last names.

can I use that timer below for all of my posts? last month's good-girl waiting didn't seem to be the ticket to pregnancy, alas. on to IVF! 

so, in order to get things clear, I just went to the financial office at my RE  -- and they were fabulous -- to find out what was what with some billing confusion and with pursuing this IVF, and it turns out that I need to do yet another test that it's too late to do in order for me to do IVF next month (had to take this month off because I needed to do tests before getting insurance approval), so I now have an added mandate to get in total shape this summer, before going for the IVF in August. 

so that's what I'm going to be up to -- getting my body in shape, getting my leftover schoolwork done, and generally getting more ready to be in my life successfully! I know, it sounds like new year's day resolutions...

well, it's one thing to think that people will read my blog in the first place, but if I don't write anything, well, sheesh. what do I expect? 

so I will now let you in on my last week: lots of waiting. it's really not all that exciting. I did my taxes today (at last!), and I'm glad to report that I'm getting a nice refund, and I did enjoy watering my garden, which is very very satisfying. for 13 years in my old apartment, I had a perennial garden that I loved, including some plants that I miss very much (sappy but true). my new apartment is in a more urban neighborhood, without a lovely grassy yard for a perennial garden, but I have a wonderful little patch about 3' x 6' where I've planted my first adult vegetable garden. and the planties are thriving!!! broccoli, tomatoes, beets, eggplant, onions, nasturtiums, parsley, basil, mint (yes of course it's in a pot!), red bell peppers, lettuce, sage, thyme, rosemary, and sunflowers for fun in the back. hey! I have all of the simon and garfunkel herbs!

I've decided to wait until 15 DPO this month, and today is 13 DPO, so I'm getting there. it's not the waiting that's so hard, it's the not knowing. tomorrow I'm driving to NYC to spend the day with my friend A, which will be great, and a good distraction; then I drive home, go to sleep, and POAS the next morning. so very much hoping for good news...stay tuned. 

So, I'm sitting at my current fave coffee shop (independently owned, amazing and chewy homemade granola bars, free wifi, and well, cupcake happy hour), working on a paper -- yes, due today -- for a course I just finished, titled Rabbinic Anthropology. I loved this class, and it was super to end the year in an intensive seminar that just evoked for me so much happiness and gratitude to be in this school. Because the paper topic is one that addresses Big Questions rather than a more concrete/detailed topic,  it feels like a coda to the whole year, though I'm no Beethoven.

Besides, in theory it keeps me distracted from Wondering.

hope springs eternal

Alas, lovely crampishness does not always a baby make. So, today it was on to IUI #8 -- H came along with me (and oy, we left her unknowing daughter in the waiting room!), and once again I'm in the land of the hopeful. Afterward, the three of us went to my favorite place for pizza, took a walk on the beach, drove up to Boston, and had a sweet little Memorial Day bbq with friends. Had some sangria as well, because we were with friends who conceived on the night of having had too many cosmopolitans. In the alcohol department, I actually had quite little, but it was part of this month's round of superstitious fertility tricks. So for now I'm on to drinking lots of water, trying to eat well, and walk lots to encourage greater svelteness followed by pregnancy. That's the hope.

sunday morning

pregnancy progress update: I have been having lovely crampishness and some calf pain, which a couple of my cyberfriends in fertilityland have said were early signs of pregnancy for them. so I'm being cautiously hopeful...

in other news, I am at H's house (new gf), where I have just committed to an exclusive datingship. it's been over 2 months, so it's definitely time. it's very nice to have a wonderful person to be with. and it's a nice plus that she also made me coffee this morning!

my plans for the day are very exciting: read a book by AJ Heschel (Who Is Man) and a couple of articles for a two-week intensive class that will finish out the semester. Actually, this class ends the day after the end-of- year party... Alas. But then it will be summer, and I am hoping to write a megillah (scroll of Esther) and kayak, and perhaps do some bartending and/or some internship-type of work. 

lots of eggs

so, this is the sixth time with my preferred donor -- did one in between with a spur-of-the-moment donor, and I'm actually glad it didn't work. no drama, just that I preferred My Guy. I did an IUI yesterday, preceded by an ultrasound peek at the follicles and a trigger shot. I LOVE the trigger shot. There's nothing like knowing exactly when I'm ovulating. Did I really just say that? Ovulation timing has become my most exciting activity? um, yes. (especially since I'd taken 100 mg of Clomid -- moved through that fear -- and had several nice big friendly follicles just waiting to be my child.)

I also had an acupuncture appointment early yesterday evening, then promptly went to buy fertility foods that I'd not yet tried: pineapple in two forms, sardines, brazil nuts, whole milk yogurt.  and I ate an egg. with it being Passover, I have plenty of hard-boiled eggs in the fridge! and because I was following a Highly Scientific Theory of Someone's Embryologist, I had an Egg McMuffin (despite it being Passover) yesterday morning, before the IUI. I will also have another couple next week during the possible implantation days.

meanwhile, I'm waiting -- reading about what's happening with my cyber babymaking friends, and hoping every moment for fertility fortune to smile upon me.

very winter

ok, so the third time wasn't the charm. if it had been, I would have had an embryo made almost completely of persimmons -- my last few weeks in Jerusalem, I must have eaten about 30 persimmons, which were a total delight. I'm now back home in Providence, where the fruit selection does not include guava, dragonfruit, or persimmons, but where my apartment does have central heating, so I'll go with that for now.

On the reproductive front, IUI #5 was this past Tuesday, and I'm now in the (what feels like a 5-month-long) two-week-wait. New developments this time: a friend came with me (I decided that yes, I'd faced the being a single parent thing, and it would be nice to have her company), and also I am now doing a little hormonal support. :) 

I had a little fantasy that I'd be going on lots of wintry hikes when I got back here, but frankly, it's been more cold than inspiring; combined with a serious Winter Cold, I'm basically indoors. Hiking will have to commence once the temperature thaws a bit. In the meantime, I've decided that I will watch all of Sex and the City -- no, I'd never seen ANY episode before this week -- as my winter entertainment. So far: one season down, 5 to go.

turkey baster baby?

so, it's a little embarrassing that it was my mother who put together this week's pregnancy pursuit with this week's pilgrim pursuit, but there it is. last month, the angels of conception were not so thrilled with my 6-hour hike in the Negev. I thought it was a very spiritual way to start a little life; they apparently did not.

so tomorrow is my third time (please be the charm) -- and not only is it cool in some general family sense to do this on the holiday of family gatherings, but for my particular family, Thanksgiving is the #1 holiday. e.g. my last 40 thanksgivings (which is all of them), I have spent with all of my relatives at my parents' house -- both sides of my family. yes, there are individuals and/or the cousins now in Texas who don't always make it, but if I were to say that my Thanksgiving is a family affair of about 50 people, that would be about right. so, as I am 5,000 miles away in Jerusalem, I find myself missing Thanksgiving for the first time in my life -- but for the fabulous opportunity to conceive in Jerusalem.

so, I'm happy about that -- couldn't really ask for better family karma -- and while I will so much miss cutting all the carrots, roasting the vegetables, pouring the juice into the same pitchers as they've been poured into for decades (apple, cran, tomato), putting the cloth napkins in the silver biscuit box for the pretzels, snitching bits of turkey while my dad carves it, asking my mom up the stairs how again I make the gravy, leaning against the kitchen counter and talking with my aunts and uncles -- I can tell that I'm beginning to get more concerned that it will go off without a hitch, without me even there.

ah life. can't have everything.

if a train leaves the station...

So if I'm sitting in the Hadassah Hospital Women's Clinic (in Jerusalem), studying Talmud (for the class I am concurrently missing) while waiting to have an ultrasound, and a very regular-looking Jewish guy says 'behatzl'cha' (good luck/success)-- is he referring to my reproduction project or my Talmud study? I decide to take it as a double helping of hatzl'cha.

I started this blog at the inspired suggestion of Rachel Pepper (The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians) -- she's on blog-hiatus, and this seems just slightly less ridiculous than Googling 'cervical mucus' yet again in an attempt to bring forth the angels of conception.