between the tides

(just realized I wrote this one in early July !) We were in VT for the wedding of friends (30 and 53!) for the weekend, which was the perfect distraction and soul-filling as well. Hali and I did a trail ride Saturday afternoon, which was great for her because she'd never been on a horse, but it made me cry it was so dull. Mostly walking down the road to the lake, with cars passing, and only on a trail for 10 minutes, all walking. So Hali later secretly arranged for me to have a private trail ride (the other was a group of 5) the next morning, before the wedding. The woman who took me, Christa, has lupus herself and her mom has something (apparently Hali had done the my wife has cancer and this would really mean a lot to her thing), so she was totally sympathetic, and we had a great ride -- cantering through beautiful forest and ferns, stopping for a great view of the water, just good. And I got off the horse sweaty and in jeans 5 minutes before the wedding was supposed to begin. Fortunately, the ketubah-signing had gotten delayed due to the rain, and I am a fast shower-dresser...

Nina did great all weekend, was very popular and picked a few people to adore herself, and it was so nice to be away as a family. (Jo is on vacation with her other mom.) Plus, she had the cutest dress for the wedding, which I bought on eBay for a song.


(not sure when I wrote this, but my surgery was the day after the wedding, so hmm.)

o my goodness.

wow. I can barely say that I have a blog if my last post was in February! since then, I have:

1. completed chemo: I did fine through the first four rounds, working for two days, taking two days off, and then doing fine for the between-treatments week. Then I was allergic to the second set of chemos, so I got a bit delayed but eventually through that as well (June 1st was my last one!), thanks to the many many meals provided by friends. Seriously, there was one dish that we got a few times and loved -- MMT's lasagna, and when Jo suggested that we ask her for the recipe, I could not fathom why we would not just want MMT to keep making it for us. Since then, I am glad to report that I've gotten my cooking groove back..

2. but lost a breast: mastectomy on July 5th (our second anniversary; sort of a reverse-present, I suppose) I front-loaded my anxiety for this, as I had for the chemo, and I'm doing great. Got my prosthesis a few weeks ago, and I really don't think about it all that often. 

3. started radiation today: It's particularly odd to go back to the same clinic every day (yesterday was a dress rehearsal, and today was rad #1, and I have to remember to go again tomorrow...) -- usually after a doctor's appointment, it feels like something to check off, but this has a certain Groundhog Day (the movie) quality to it. Fortunately, the techs and nurses and my radiation oncologist are great, and if you have to have cancer, it's a good place to be.

4. the hair: yes, I lost it. Shaved it a few days after that last post, wore the hat&wig for month or so, then couldn't be bothered and wore just a scarf, rather pirate-style, for a while, and finally went bald everywhere but work.

As I'd hoped, I think the new hair did indeed reach sassy-length for our vacation last week! If it didn't, don't tell me. ;)

5. been storing food: I've also managed to make use of the canner I bought last summer, and just pulled out 11 jars of tomato jam that are for party favor gifts, for Nina's second birthday party this Sunday. Other food-storing for winter: jars of pickles, salsa, corn, roasted tomato sauce, tomato jam, broccoli, green beans, lots by comparison to the past, which only ever included pesto*, and yet still so much room for progress. I'm currently addicted to buying the gorgeous bargain bags of 'seconds' tomatoes at the farm just a couple miles from us, so I'm likely going to make more roasted tomato sauce, salsa, and jam in the next week or so!

6. been knitting: Nina has two new cardigans (one still requiring the buttons); I have (almost) two beautiful scarves, and need to complete a gorgeous-but-might-be too-small cardigan for myself; and N has already grown through a pair of pants she wore for Thanksgiving last year and a dress she wore to a family bar mitzvah in March.  

I do have joint pain -- a delayed response from the chemo -- and I'm tired and can't hold thoughts together so well, but overall, I am doing well. Jo just started middle school yesterday; the girls are so sweet with each other; and Hali and I are cooking up another project, which will remain quiet for a while longer -- especially as we don't know if/how it will turn out.

I feel blessed that our family made it through the bulk of this cancer treatment so well, and that frankly, I've had so much time with my toddler this year. The year between 1 and 2 has always been one of my favorites -- watching language and personality emerge like blossoms -- and though I was afraid I'd miss so much with the cancer, my friend Judy was right: we've really had more time together this year than I would have had otherwise. She will be two a week from today, and I am looking forward to sharing this milestone with a few friends and family. 

I know this post is word-heavy and photo-lacking, but I had to get back on the horse!

chemo two (or, I didn't faint)

as in, I almost did (it was on Monday). the nurse couldn't get the IV in my hand-vein, but it took about 8 pushes to determine that, so I was a bit woozy. a bit of a recline and a half-sandwich later, I was ready to roll, and it was easy peasy. since she had to go up to my inner elbow (or whatever that's called), I couldn't really knit, so I watched a movie on the iPad that Hali's colleagues bought for me!!!

the chemo and the day itself are really no big whoop -- they place the IV, draw blood to make sure my white blood cells and I don't know what else are doing ok, then the mix up my brew of chemicals in the basement (ok, pharmacy), and in they go. proceeded by a potent combination of godblessthem anti-nausea meds. I feel fine that day and the next, and then I slide slowly downhill for a couple of days. achey today, but headed to work like yesterday.

tomorrow, I'll likely stay home, as the achey feeling is now getting compounded by a less-desired cancer present; it seems that my hair is falling out. a few yesterday at a time, a few more at a time (downstairs too!), and I think today might have been my last hairwashing, as I think tomorrow I will feel flu-ish and not take a shower, and then if it seems like it's coming out faster by tomorrow, we'll do the big baldy shave tomorrow night. it's a hard step, not helped by the fact that my scalp is likely so white it's grey...

and then I will look like a major religious gal, with my old hair back on and a hat all the time. we are planning to have dinner with friends tonight, so I asked Hali to bring a camera to document this point in the process -- I have really really like the lighter, somewhat sassy feeling of having the ubershort hair. (it's not a great pic, so imagine that in better lighting and with a better outfit, it's fabulous.) I think that by the time we go on vacation (where nobody will see me! why would I care? I guess for the milestone, something to look forward to), I might look sassy again.

meanwhile, we are doing great -- the meals that friends have made for us are beautiful and delicious and have included an occasional bottle of wine, hearty soups and gorgeous salads and all manner of other things...so grateful.

chemo one

one month later, and I did get the emma watson haircut -- ok, only from the front (my hair stylist needed all the length from the back, so it's a definite buzz back there), and ok, in just plain brown, and ok, I'm neither 20 nor a stunning actress, nor 115 pounds. but really, I basically look like her, don't you think? ;)

otherwise, I had my first chemo yesterday, and mostly it took a while from the waiting, not the chemo itself. that was one 15-minute push of adriamycin and an hour of cytoxan, which meant one hour of knitting and reading a magazine all by myself during normal waking hours!

they also gave me a variety of anti-nausea stuff (yea!) and I'm taking supplements to help with health-maintenance issues, so maybe the biggest cause of my headache and exhaustion is Nina's early mornings... so we'll see if I continue to feel ok, and meanwhile:

* Nina loves playing with water in the sink -- she will drag whichever chair or stool is closest and process to spill, pour, splash for a LOOONG time.

* I have finally truly entered knitting a tunic for her to wear to a cousin's bar mitzvah in March (better get cracking), after a few mis-starts.

* we have been so blessed by the beautiful meals friends have brought to us, nourishing and delicious and interesting!

and now, I must nap.

hair

who am I kidding? of course this blog will be full of cancer details. so, I am thinking about hair -- i.e. what to do without it. while I was thinking of just going bold and bald, I think it would be great to have some hair options, and currently I'm thinking I will do this my-own-hair thing with a company that makes a hairpiece of your own hair that you can wear under any hat (and have your own hair peeking out at the bottom). I went from no vanity to total vanity in about one day. the thing that is good is that (if my insurance has it) insurance covers wigs for cancer! I was at a knitting store today, and though I've avoided hats like the plague for fear that they'll make my hair flat and/or fuzzy (Jewish hair), apparently I look good in hats -- who knew? anyway, I am going to knit a couple for the winter, and we'll see about the summer. but clearly there will be a time when I have just very very short hair from cutting it off (and I have shoulder-length curly hair) to send to the hathair-makers, but my hair wig won't have come in. hmm.

sharp turn

Alas, it seems that random musings on life with a toddler are going to take an unexpected turn for me: in November, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. and while I don't intend to make this a blog of cancer details, clearly that is going to fill a lot of my life this year. this diagnosis comes on top of my stepdaughter's recent major orthopedic surgery -- which though a lot of work now, should result in better walking for her in a few months, and Nina's just-diagnosed nut allergy...

As for me, I am overwhelmed but ok with appointments, a bit of surgery (more to come), trying to learn more about this cancer and how to deal with it (hair, nutrition, complementary care, how to ask for help, what to expect), and wanting to get our homelife in more order. A friend said that that part was like organizing your photos before you go on a trip or wanting to clean every micron of your house before Passover (i.e. "it's in your head, not to worry") -- but really, for me, I know this is a part of my entering and moving through this cancer with greater calm and beauty at home. I've been neglecting this blog, and not writing so much even when I wasn't neglecting it, but one thing I want to do this year is to reflect outwardly a bit more, have more conversation with folks in blogworld, and enrich my life in many ways.

travelling

So, again it has been a month between posts! I read and read other blogs, but neglect mine. Since I could use a little company, I suppose it would pay to have something for you to read. :)

Lately, we have been very engaged in all things domestic -- making yogurt and bread and soap, knitting a bit, organizing the babelet's toys in a yes-you-guessed-it Ikea Expedit.

and yet.

I find myself drawn in by the desires for some combination of a more homemade life, for a tightly-woven urban homesteadish community life, a life with a larger garden and time to tend to it, a life in which I am not on the computer so much.

Last week, one of my dearest old friends and her family came to stay with us for 5 days or so. She and the girls (age 7, 9, 10) are travelling and home schooling and have been for much of the last year, and when they are at home in Minnesota, they go to a Waldorf school, so the travelling schooling is likewise Waldorfian. I find so much about it appealing -- and so much in tune with what I do and want for our family's life. Calm, beautiful wood and simplicity, no flash cards, plastic only where necessary (those stacking cups are essential!), music that fills the soul, deep learning. Long ago, I peeked into the world of Waldorf, but as a rabbi, the Christianity of it just was not a good fit. I've also since found Montessori so appealing in many ways, though not all.

but this just reached in and grabbed me.

(There are two preschools nearby that I imagine I would want to send Nina to, one Montessori, and one which says it is a mix of Montessori, Waldorf, and Gardner. Both are very beloved schools. These days I'm leaning towards the latter -- though it's all theoretical at this point, as we plan to keep Nina at her playcare through next year. It's across the street with only 6 kids, calm and loving and we can pay for only the hours we need.)

For the first couple of days that Sarah and her family were here, I found myself only envious -- envious of their life on a lake, their school 5 minutes from home, the way that their life works so well. As our time together settled in, though, I was able to recognize that theirs has also been an evolution, not some fantasy of perfection from the moment they slipped on their wedding rings. I know we will figure out a good structure of our life, school for Nina, proximity to the things that are important, and we're not quite there yet for the long-term.

I struggle between wanting to be part of the urban fabric and wanting to have room to run and play. Between wanting to be a part of making urban public schools better and wanting my kids to have a beautiful experience of school. Between wanting to be able to walk to our errands, and not having so many errands. I struggle with the fact that we live in one of the most expensive cities in the country, and I would rather not. I would rather live in a good progressive city in the midwest. But we are here for a while (forever?), as my stepdaughter navigates both homes, and our jobs with good structure for our lives are here.

Plus, though the neighborhood is a bit right-leaning for us (as Sarah would say, no raw-milk drinkers), our house is so good for us right now, and likely for a good while. It has enough room, good light, a garden and yard, places to walk to -- the library, a few restaurants, CVS, a good playground, the grocery store -- and is close enough to the things we need these days. Our neighbors are friendly, and it's a safe quiet neighborhood. I don't know what is next, and I can't see it just yet. I think for now, I'm doing ok at trusting this process, but I'd love company in it. And if you've read this far: I'm curious, for those of you with a yet-to-be realized vision, or multiple clashing visions, how do you navigate it?

one year.

so, our little girl has been on the planet for a year. she's a walking, babbling, laughing child -- and I love being (one of) her mom(s)!

for her birthday, I made an applesauce cake thanks to a recipe from my friend Martha, complete with cream cheese frosting. Nina took her piece quite calmly and happily and proceeded to lick all the frosting off the top.

I'm now obsessed with getting our home a bit more organized and baby-friendly -- my mom pointed out that it would be helpful to have a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs, so a few dollars and amazon clicks later, we do! my mom was right. more soon, but someone just woke up from her nap.

o summer.

must get better about posting.

a few snaps of life these days:

bean bags

toy corner

yogurt in jars

soap

bad veg garden

She's climbing up the stairs as if there were ice cream waiting for her at the top.

loves to take any piece of fabric or paper and swing it around the back of her neck and wear it like a scarf.

wrestles with the dog; because (thankfully!) the dog isn't biting her, I think she has the upper hand. he's very generous.

this summer, the big girl has been to basketball camp for a week, farm camp for two weeks (yea!!!), sleep-away farm camp, and is now doing two weeks of cooking camp. then a week of local rec dept camp and then we're all headed for a godwilling glorious week in wellfleet.

it's time to get in my kayak again, to introduce the babelet to sand and shells and tide-pools.

it's been a while...

...nearly three months! Nina is a total charmgirl. She eats tons of things -- pizza and pineapple and tofu and grilled chicken with an Indonesian spice rub and hummus and on and on. She drinks from a little straw cup, though she needs to learn to stop her sips, as she just drinks way too much and sputters otherwise. She's pulling herself up onto anything, and this past weekend, she climbed up the 2 steps from the family room into the kitchen, and she started saying...mama!

Even though it's been so long, this is just a drop-in post to remind myself to post more. We're doing great -- making our own yogurt and ice cream and soap (H makes it and people love it!) -- I built a raised bed a couple of weeks ago and we put in a veggie garden, and in general I think we're headed in a good direction, family-wise. Plus, our new radiator covers make me swoon. The radiator covers in two bedrooms, though they represent an outlay of money rather than crafty or handy effort, are also my latest delights, as they make our home look more, well, homey.

and a snapshot of the girl who makes our home look homey.