in the wilderness

sunday granola

2011-11-20T22:35:00.001-05:00

Over the last two years -- since we were married and moved into our house -- Hali and I have both been taking steps to cultivate more of a homemade life, because it is less expensive, less consumerist, easier on the planet, healthier, more local, and so satisfying! I'm not sure where we started, but making our own ice cream was near the beginning, because someone I married eats a huge mug of ice cream every night, and wow, it gets pricey! No, we're not hand-cranking it; the fabulous little machine does the work. But it's far less expensive and doesn't include any carrageenan or other added un-delights. Over the last two years, we've added things one by one -- and I have to say, despite being troublesome in some ways, a silver lining of cancer has been more time at home -- making or buying, canning and freezing, whatever we can do: bread, yogurt, beans (from dry instead of cans), pasta sauce, jams, applesauce, pie apples, local delivery milk, a few hand-knits, a couple of toys sewn -- even making our own enchilada sauce! A bit more organic, a bit more local, closer to the source.

We would love to be growing more of our own produce, and to that end, we even had a maple tree taken out last summer, but apparently, we still don't get quite enough sunlight, alas. We did manage to grow some lovely golden potatoes, a fair amount of kale, and a few jars of raspberries that are going to become jam one day soon (they're in the freezer), but otherwise, this summer I became a big fan of a small farmer's market nearby. Now that it's November though, the local growing season has evolved into baking season, so I thought I'd share below the recipe for the healthy and fabulous granola I've been making!

I first found this recipe through the gorgeous blog Food in Jars which led to Local Kitchen and the recipe I played with a bit to fit my desires... (including the fact that we're completely nut-free until we get better allergy testing for the kidlet, who does seem to have a nut allergy)

it looks ooky, but it's just applesauce, peach butter, and maple syrup.

Sunday Granola (recipe can easily be halved)

Preheat oven to 325, and line two baking sheets with parchment paper.

9 c rolled oats
1 c shredded coconut
1 c pepitas

1.5-2 c applesauce and/or peach butter
2 tsp cinnamon
1/4 c maple syrup

1-2 c finely chopped dried apricots (cranberries, cherries, raisins, whatever tickles your fancy)

Mix the first three ingredients together, and in a separate bowl, mix the second three together. Combine them (this will require two large bowls) and spread the mixture loosely on the baking sheets. You can separate more if you like it more crumbly, less if you like larger clumps. Bake for 30-35 minutes, or until golden brown. Remove from the oven and allow it to cool; the granola will become crisp at it cools. When cooled, stir in the dried fruit and pour it into jars.

Enjoy!

moving forward

2011-10-23T16:11:00.000-04:00

last day of radiation!

the week before: bounce house with her first painted face, at Jo's school fair

a bit older, but I couldn't skip a few second birthday party pix. :)

Goodness, so much in one small space of time -- the weeklong sukkot, in which we ate in the sukkah but not as much as I had hoped. In theory we would eat all of our meals in the sukkah, but alas dark mornings, chilly temps, and a bit of rain made that less than ideal. It was our first year putting it up here, though, so that was an accomplishment, also coming as it does in such a busy time for us (how are two Jewish clergy-people supposed to find time to be Jewish?!), and also at the end of my radiation treatments. Busy, distracted, tired. Feeling good, just a bit overwhelmed.

We did manage to have a party, inviting all those friends who have been such a support to our family this past year, cooking and child-caring and calling and generally helping us get through -- chili and beer and guitars in the sukkah. Tiring, but nice.

a regular dinner in the sukkah (i.e. not a party, hence the empty chairs!)

And now, I have finished my main cancer treatment -- two surgeries, four months of chemotherapy, and six weeks of radiation. I will still take hormone therapy (i.e. pills) for five years and will likely have reconstruction surgery next summer, but for now, the most invasive part of my treatment is done. Oddly, it's a bit strange. I very much feel the urge to re-group, get a sense of where to go from here, how to grasp life a bit more consciously, more well-ordered, more richly -- and at the same time, I am completely exhausted from all the treatment. There was a part of me that was really hoping that as I walked out of radiation on that last day, there would be plane tickets to somewhere warm and beautiful, along with time to just take off from work to get things together here at home (preschool applications, finances, bulbs to plant, papers to file, exercise to do, meal plans to make, a year's worth of just squeaking my to catch up on a bit). Alas, there was not. No celebration, no break, just a bat mitzvah to officiate, bedtimes to navigate, the usual. Fortunately, I'd anticipated this a bit and taken myself out for sushi the day before after radiation -- I knew I needed some way to celebrate, even if in just a few delicious bites of raw fish and the zing of wasabi. (sweetly, Hali and our friends did get me my absolute favorite cake that we had last night -- with the words 'The Champ' written on it, as they sang the theme song from Chariots of Fire to me!)

The other piece that I'd only anticipated in the tiniest way is the let-down of finishing treatment. I thought I'd miss going to Dana-Farber (sounds odd, but it's true -- it's a beautiful place, where I spend time dedicated to my health, where there are no bills to pay, no spills on the floor, no laundry or whining) -- but I did not expect the strong emotional reaction I've had. Tears, unexpected strange pains, anxieties, the works. I happened to go to a forum my oncologist has each year, where one of the social workers said that this time can actually be the hardest, having gotten up the energy and had the structure to make it through treatment, only to step out into an unknown afterwards. Totally. Time will help, but that vacation and time at home too wouldn't have hurt any. ;)

So, a few photos of life from the past few weeks -- I can't catch up, so I'm just marking it and moving forward -- with hope for a bit more sleep, more organization, and getting a good rhythm in place soon.

(goodness, I look forward to the day when I can have better photos on here!)

sukkah project, part one.

2011-10-12T08:59:00.002-04:00

so, we have a sukkah up! it still needs to be illuminated and decorated, but we are so delighted to have it up for the first time in our home and life together...

getting organized...

putting together the walls

securing the screen!

bringing slats for the roof -- to hold the schach

a worm's-eye view with mommie

it's almost like home :)

while it's true that the girl child did not put it together quite as much as it looks like, she really did do what you see! it took longer than I thought it would, owing to my not-realizing I was using a too-small screw-bit (and hence stripping a few screws and breaking the tip -- problems to solve next week...), but I loved doing it, love that we are deepening our family's life, and though I said, in one frustrated moment, that we could get the easy PVC-pipe kind next year, I think this is the sukkah for us. besides, we own it already! I'd rather spend little bits of money each year on gourds and improvements than a big chunk of money to start all over again. :)

we now have corn stalks and forsythia branches on the top; I will probably procure some more in the next day or two, but it's looking good. can't wait for our party on saturday night! stay tuned.

p.s. a million thanks to Hali for the pix -- I'm still working on tweaking my photo-taking method.

this moment

2011-10-07T16:16:00.001-04:00

{this moment}

{this moment} - a Friday ritual inspored by soulemama: a single photo capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

listening to hallelu (aka psalm 150!), during the week between rosh hashanah and yom kippur...

simply ten, with thanks to soulemama

2011-10-05T10:05:00.005-04:00

Amanda Soule has a beautiful practice of sharing ten good things, which -- as I travel through these ten days between Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur -- seems a very good idea indeed. My list, as they come to mind this sunny autumn day:

filling the book basket with beautiful picture books

stacks of jars, filled with autumn fruit

tea with honey

a big sister's joy putting her little sister to bed

sweaters and scarves

plans to build a sukkah in our home for the first time

being able to see the end of daily radiation!

apple crisp with a bit of cream

remembering an audiobook gift, perfect for my commute

food in the freezer, dinners for busy evenings

What about you?

work-life balance indeed

2011-10-04T11:28:00.004-04:00

I know this is an over-used term, but it is so true... I think what I'm suffering from at the moment is the juggle of preparing for the high holiday services (every week for four weeks!) and our Sukkot celebration at home, combined with going to radiation every day, combined with a couple of family projects we're working on (or not, as the case may be). Before she was born, we chose to have Nina in playcare only part of the week because well, it's what we can afford, and because it was important to us that she have plenty of time at home. I chose part-time work intentionally, and we juggle our work schedules to allow for this.

but man o man. I am exhausted! Radiation and toddler parenting leads to exhaustion -- and high holiday work does as well -- right now, I am at work less than usual because of those things, but it means so much less time to focus on the work that beneath it all, I need and want to do! I find that when I don't have as much daytime to work, I not only fall behind in my work, but I also have a hard time even keeping a grasp on the part of me that is more connected with that work in the first place.

I hope that things will settle down a bit soon, though then the challenge will be that I should also have been planning my year's teaching more than I have. This is why my congregation kept my contract as it has been, knowing that I would be tired in this year as well as last. Cancer hasn't been the hell that it could be, but it has certainly taken my energy, focus, and time.

In the year ahead, my main goal is simple, though not necessarily easy: to clear the clutter, both visual and internal, and to cultivate more rhythm in my days and my weeks.

How do others combine part-time work with full-time home?

addicted

2011-10-02T21:47:00.006-04:00

to canning, that is. I can't help myself -- I found apples for a fabulous price last week and bought 20 pounds. Today, I made 15 pints of apples for crisps or pies or cake this winter. I have a cake I love (Jewish apple cake, maybe Joan Nathan?) but have not made in a while, so perhaps it's just around the corner now.

And somehow, there I found myself with all those peels and cores and reading about apple peel jelly...and now I have 20 half-pints of beautiful pink jelly on my counter. I tasted it, and it's not like strawberry jam by any stretch, more like pink sweetness and something that would be good on a roast or something. Have you made apple jelly? Ideas for it?

Then there's the enchilada sauce. which I'd actually never even bought before, but a friend made the best quesadillas for us yesterday, and turns out the secret yum was taco sauce. So there I was, looking up recipes; I used the one for taco sauce in the Ball book, but this really tastes more like an enchilada sauce, so that's what I'm calling it. Plus, there are the 10 jars of tomato jam I have to re-can with some more sugar.

Meanwhile, thank goodness the girls have more than one parent, so they could have a delicious pepper-cheese omelet while I was busy with steaming pots and hot glass.

Meanwhile, I have 12 more sessions of radiation, and then other than the five years of hormones, I am on a break from cancer treatment until the summer! (more surgery) Although I'll still be in radiation during Sukkot, we decided to have a thank-you party for our friends who've taken such good care of our family this year, and because it is good motivation to get that Sukkah built and decorated with the pomegranate lights!

snapshot day, home version

2011-09-26T22:37:00.007-04:00

what a microcosm day this was: radiation, a trip to the farm down the street, potato harvest, applesauce-making, and the ongoing conversation with Hali about the life we are making -- today's topic: putting up our sukkah.

there's not a lot to say about radiation, but the rest, yes. In a bit of time between doctor's appointments today, Nina and I went to the farm-store, which is a wonderful nursery-food market-farm that is perfect destination for a parent with a toddler on a weekday morning, with the place basically to ourselves: time to watch the garlic man trim and sort the garlic into boxes; to watch the gourd woman take each one out of the huge tub of water and scrub off the soil; to walk over to the chicken coop and make friends with the black bantam chicken with whom Nina wanted to become fast friends.

brief conversation we had while walking away from the chicken coop:

Nina: they eat dinner?

me: yep, they eat dinner.

Nina: chicken?

me: the chickens? yes, they eat dinner.

Nina: chicken?

me, realizing what she was really asking: um, no, they don't eat chicken...

It was just a sweet day, with our teensy potato crop (maybe 8 pounds? note to improve yield next year), and 6 pints of applesauce made, to go with yesterday's 6 pints of peach butter. We're not exactly urban homesteaders yet, but the jars lined up on the shelf do make my heart sing.

...and the last bit: that if we want to put up our sukkah in this not-so-new-anymore house, we need to schedule it, and it would be both helpful and soulful to ask our backyard neighbors to do it with us. They're not Jewish, but I'm sure they'd be game for it, they're great neighbors -- and they are one slice of our tribe as we make our way on the path step by step.

progress

2011-09-20T21:27:00.000-04:00

ok, so it's slow progress. my first post-chemo ponytail. or sprout, I guess. (and today, I'm 1/3 through radiation -- so far, the calendula cream and emu oil seem to be keeping the radiation burns at bay; I'm hoping that continues!)

Otherwise, we had such a sweet time celebrating the birthdays in our house (everyone but mine is in september) -- from the combo of parents and greandparents: movie tix and baseball shirt for the pre-teen; balance bike, rain boots, and hippie clothes for the toddler; a zoom lens, Haitian tree of life, and beautiful quilted-silk jacket for the wife who's been on cancer-support duty for a year... and on the non-material side, homemade cake with cream cheese frosting, friends and family, bowling, low-key and nice.

I'm in the countdown to the high holidays, and as a rabbi, I should be further along than I am on the sermon front. I was in a completely terrible mood yesterday when I went to meet with my teacher MF -- but within 40 minutes, she said that what I'd written was 3/4 of the way to being a sermon, and she suggested we meet by phone in three days, with my having sent ahead to her what I'd written. An extra session with her, when that was exactly what I needed. a teaching-pushing-inspiring companion in this work. I'm a procrastinator by nature, combined with utterly exhausted from daily radiation treatments -- and while I've been thinking I could-would surely get a great sermon out of this cancer thing, I'm really just trying to get through each day. It's a strange thing, this cancer.

between the tides

2011-09-07T22:26:00.002-04:00

(just realized I wrote this one in early July !) We were in VT for the wedding of friends (30 and 53!) for the weekend, which was the perfect distraction and soul-filling as well. Hali and I did a trail ride Saturday afternoon, which was great for her because she'd never been on a horse, but it made me cry it was so dull. Mostly walking down the road to the lake, with cars passing, and only on a trail for 10 minutes, all walking. So Hali later secretly arranged for me to have a private trail ride (the other was a group of 5) the next morning, before the wedding. The woman who took me, Christa, has lupus herself and her mom has something (apparently Hali had done the my wife has cancer and this would really mean a lot to her thing), so she was totally sympathetic, and we had a great ride -- cantering through beautiful forest and ferns, stopping for a great view of the water, just good. And I got off the horse sweaty and in jeans 5 minutes before the wedding was supposed to begin. Fortunately, the ketubah-signing had gotten delayed due to the rain, and I am a fast shower-dresser...

Nina did great all weekend, was very popular and picked a few people to adore herself, and it was so nice to be away as a family. (Jo is on vacation with her other mom.) Plus, she had the cutest dress for the wedding, which I bought on eBay for a song.

(not sure when I wrote this, but my surgery was the day after the wedding, so hmm.)

o my goodness.

2011-09-07T22:25:00.000-04:00

wow. I can barely say that I have a blog if my last post was in February! since then, I have:

1. completed chemo: I did fine through the first four rounds, working for two days, taking two days off, and then doing fine for the between-treatments week. Then I was allergic to the second set of chemos, so I got a bit delayed but eventually through that as well (June 1st was my last one!), thanks to the many many meals provided by friends. Seriously, there was one dish that we got a few times and loved -- MMT's lasagna, and when Jo suggested that we ask her for the recipe, I could not fathom why we would not just want MMT to keep making it for us. Since then, I am glad to report that I've gotten my cooking groove back..

2. but lost a breast: mastectomy on July 5th (our second anniversary; sort of a reverse-present, I suppose) I front-loaded my anxiety for this, as I had for the chemo, and I'm doing great. Got my prosthesis a few weeks ago, and I really don't think about it all that often.

3. started radiation today: It's particularly odd to go back to the same clinic every day (yesterday was a dress rehearsal, and today was rad #1, and I have to remember to go again tomorrow...) -- usually after a doctor's appointment, it feels like something to check off, but this has a certain Groundhog Day (the movie) quality to it. Fortunately, the techs and nurses and my radiation oncologist are great, and if you have to have cancer, it's a good place to be.

4. the hair: yes, I lost it. Shaved it a few days after that last post, wore the hat&wig for month or so, then couldn't be bothered and wore just a scarf, rather pirate-style, for a while, and finally went bald everywhere but work.

As I'd hoped, I think the new hair did indeed reach sassy-length for our vacation last week! If it didn't, don't tell me. ;)

5. been storing food: I've also managed to make use of the canner I bought last summer, and just pulled out 11 jars of tomato jam that are for party favor gifts, for Nina's second birthday party this Sunday. Other food-storing for winter: jars of pickles, salsa, corn, roasted tomato sauce, tomato jam, broccoli, green beans, lots by comparison to the past, which only ever included pesto*, and yet still so much room for progress. I'm currently addicted to buying the gorgeous bargain bags of 'seconds' tomatoes at the farm just a couple miles from us, so I'm likely going to make more roasted tomato sauce, salsa, and jam in the next week or so!

6. been knitting: Nina has two new cardigans (one still requiring the buttons); I have (almost) two beautiful scarves, and need to complete a gorgeous-but-might-be too-small cardigan for myself; and N has already grown through a pair of pants she wore for Thanksgiving last year and a dress she wore to a family bar mitzvah in March.

I do have joint pain -- a delayed response from the chemo -- and I'm tired and can't hold thoughts together so well, but overall, I am doing well. Jo just started middle school yesterday; the girls are so sweet with each other; and Hali and I are cooking up another project, which will remain quiet for a while longer -- especially as we don't know if/how it will turn out.

I feel blessed that our family made it through the bulk of this cancer treatment so well, and that frankly, I've had so much time with my toddler this year. The year between 1 and 2 has always been one of my favorites -- watching language and personality emerge like blossoms -- and though I was afraid I'd miss so much with the cancer, my friend Judy was right: we've really had more time together this year than I would have had otherwise. She will be two a week from today, and I am looking forward to sharing this milestone with a few friends and family.

I know this post is word-heavy and photo-lacking, but I had to get back on the horse!

chemo two (or, I didn't faint)

2011-02-21T12:47:00.003-05:00

as in, I almost did (it was on Monday). the nurse couldn't get the IV in my hand-vein, but it took about 8 pushes to determine that, so I was a bit woozy. a bit of a recline and a half-sandwich later, I was ready to roll, and it was easy peasy. since she had to go up to my inner elbow (or whatever that's called), I couldn't really knit, so I watched a movie on the iPad that Hali's colleagues bought for me!!!

the chemo and the day itself are really no big whoop -- they place the IV, draw blood to make sure my white blood cells and I don't know what else are doing ok, then the mix up my brew of chemicals in the basement (ok, pharmacy), and in they go. proceeded by a potent combination of godblessthem anti-nausea meds. I feel fine that day and the next, and then I slide slowly downhill for a couple of days. achey today, but headed to work like yesterday.

tomorrow, I'll likely stay home, as the achey feeling is now getting compounded by a less-desired cancer present; it seems that my hair is falling out. a few yesterday at a time, a few more at a time (downstairs too!), and I think today might have been my last hairwashing, as I think tomorrow I will feel flu-ish and not take a shower, and then if it seems like it's coming out faster by tomorrow, we'll do the big baldy shave tomorrow night. it's a hard step, not helped by the fact that my scalp is likely so white it's grey...

and then I will look like a major religious gal, with my old hair back on and a hat all the time. we are planning to have dinner with friends tonight, so I asked Hali to bring a camera to document this point in the process -- I have really really like the lighter, somewhat sassy feeling of having the ubershort hair. (it's not a great pic, so imagine that in better lighting and with a better outfit, it's fabulous.) I think that by the time we go on vacation (where nobody will see me! why would I care? I guess for the milestone, something to look forward to), I might look sassy again.

meanwhile, we are doing great -- the meals that friends have made for us are beautiful and delicious and have included an occasional bottle of wine, hearty soups and gorgeous salads and all manner of other things...so grateful.

chemo one

2011-02-08T09:25:00.005-05:00

one month later, and I did get the emma watson haircut -- ok, only from the front (my hair stylist needed all the length from the back, so it's a definite buzz back there), and ok, in just plain brown, and ok, I'm neither 20 nor a stunning actress, nor 115 pounds. but really, I basically look like her, don't you think? ;)

otherwise, I had my first chemo yesterday, and mostly it took a while from the waiting, not the chemo itself. that was one 15-minute push of adriamycin and an hour of cytoxan, which meant one hour of knitting and reading a magazine all by myself during normal waking hours!

they also gave me a variety of anti-nausea stuff (yea!) and I'm taking supplements to help with health-maintenance issues, so maybe the biggest cause of my headache and exhaustion is Nina's early mornings... so we'll see if I continue to feel ok, and meanwhile:

* Nina loves playing with water in the sink -- she will drag whichever chair or stool is closest and process to spill, pour, splash for a LOOONG time.

* I have finally truly entered knitting a tunic for her to wear to a cousin's bar mitzvah in March (better get cracking), after a few mis-starts.

* we have been so blessed by the beautiful meals friends have brought to us, nourishing and delicious and interesting!

and now, I must nap.

hair

2011-01-08T16:30:00.006-05:00

who am I kidding? of course this blog will be full of cancer details. so, I am thinking about hair -- i.e. what to do without it. while I was thinking of just going bold and bald, I think it would be great to have some hair options, and currently I'm thinking I will do this my-own-hair thing with a company that makes a hairpiece of your own hair that you can wear under any hat (and have your own hair peeking out at the bottom). I went from no vanity to total vanity in about one day. the thing that is good is that (if my insurance has it) insurance covers wigs for cancer! I was at a knitting store today, and though I've avoided hats like the plague for fear that they'll make my hair flat and/or fuzzy (Jewish hair), apparently I look good in hats -- who knew? anyway, I am going to knit a couple for the winter, and we'll see about the summer. but clearly there will be a time when I have just very very short hair from cutting it off (and I have shoulder-length curly hair) to send to the hathair-makers, but my hair wig won't have come in. hmm.

sharp turn

2011-01-07T09:18:00.003-05:00

Alas, it seems that random musings on life with a toddler are going to take an unexpected turn for me: in November, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. and while I don't intend to make this a blog of cancer details, clearly that is going to fill a lot of my life this year. this diagnosis comes on top of my stepdaughter's recent major orthopedic surgery -- which though a lot of work now, should result in better walking for her in a few months, and Nina's just-diagnosed nut allergy...

As for me, I am overwhelmed but ok with appointments, a bit of surgery (more to come), trying to learn more about this cancer and how to deal with it (hair, nutrition, complementary care, how to ask for help, what to expect), and wanting to get our homelife in more order. A friend said that that part was like organizing your photos before you go on a trip or wanting to clean every micron of your house before Passover (i.e. "it's in your head, not to worry") -- but really, for me, I know this is a part of my entering and moving through this cancer with greater calm and beauty at home. I've been neglecting this blog, and not writing so much even when I wasn't neglecting it, but one thing I want to do this year is to reflect outwardly a bit more, have more conversation with folks in blogworld, and enrich my life in many ways.

travelling

2010-11-02T12:25:00.008-04:00

So, again it has been a month between posts! I read and read other blogs, but neglect mine. Since I could use a little company, I suppose it would pay to have something for you to read. :)

Lately, we have been very engaged in all things domestic -- making yogurt and bread and soap, knitting a bit, organizing the babelet's toys in a yes-you-guessed-it Ikea Expedit.

and yet.

I find myself drawn in by the desires for some combination of a more homemade life, for a tightly-woven urban homesteadish community life, a life with a larger garden and time to tend to it, a life in which I am not on the computer so much.

Last week, one of my dearest old friends and her family came to stay with us for 5 days or so. She and the girls (age 7, 9, 10) are travelling and home schooling and have been for much of the last year, and when they are at home in Minnesota, they go to a Waldorf school, so the travelling schooling is likewise Waldorfian. I find so much about it appealing -- and so much in tune with what I do and want for our family's life. Calm, beautiful wood and simplicity, no flash cards, plastic only where necessary (those stacking cups are essential!), music that fills the soul, deep learning. Long ago, I peeked into the world of Waldorf, but as a rabbi, the Christianity of it just was not a good fit. I've also since found Montessori so appealing in many ways, though not all.

but this just reached in and grabbed me.

(There are two preschools nearby that I imagine I would want to send Nina to, one Montessori, and one which says it is a mix of Montessori, Waldorf, and Gardner. Both are very beloved schools. These days I'm leaning towards the latter -- though it's all theoretical at this point, as we plan to keep Nina at her playcare through next year. It's across the street with only 6 kids, calm and loving and we can pay for only the hours we need.)

For the first couple of days that Sarah and her family were here, I found myself only envious -- envious of their life on a lake, their school 5 minutes from home, the way that their life works so well. As our time together settled in, though, I was able to recognize that theirs has also been an evolution, not some fantasy of perfection from the moment they slipped on their wedding rings. I know we will figure out a good structure of our life, school for Nina, proximity to the things that are important, and we're not quite there yet for the long-term.

I struggle between wanting to be part of the urban fabric and wanting to have room to run and play. Between wanting to be a part of making urban public schools better and wanting my kids to have a beautiful experience of school. Between wanting to be able to walk to our errands, and not having so many errands. I struggle with the fact that we live in one of the most expensive cities in the country, and I would rather not. I would rather live in a good progressive city in the midwest. But we are here for a while (forever?), as my stepdaughter navigates both homes, and our jobs with good structure for our lives are here.

Plus, though the neighborhood is a bit right-leaning for us (as Sarah would say, no raw-milk drinkers), our house is so good for us right now, and likely for a good while. It has enough room, good light, a garden and yard, places to walk to -- the library, a few restaurants, CVS, a good playground, the grocery store -- and is close enough to the things we need these days. Our neighbors are friendly, and it's a safe quiet neighborhood. I don't know what is next, and I can't see it just yet. I think for now, I'm doing ok at trusting this process, but I'd love company in it. And if you've read this far: I'm curious, for those of you with a yet-to-be realized vision, or multiple clashing visions, how do you navigate it?

one year.

2010-09-27T15:11:00.005-04:00

so, our little girl has been on the planet for a year. she's a walking, babbling, laughing child -- and I love being (one of) her mom(s)!

for her birthday, I made an applesauce cake thanks to a recipe from my friend Martha, complete with cream cheese frosting. Nina took her piece quite calmly and happily and proceeded to lick all the frosting off the top.

I'm now obsessed with getting our home a bit more organized and baby-friendly -- my mom pointed out that it would be helpful to have a baby gate at the bottom of the stairs, so a few dollars and amazon clicks later, we do! my mom was right. more soon, but someone just woke up from her nap.

o summer.

2010-08-02T09:47:00.003-04:00

must get better about posting.

a few snaps of life these days:

bean bags

toy corner

yogurt in jars

soap

bad veg garden

She's climbing up the stairs as if there were ice cream waiting for her at the top.

loves to take any piece of fabric or paper and swing it around the back of her neck and wear it like a scarf.

wrestles with the dog; because (thankfully!) the dog isn't biting her, I think she has the upper hand. he's very generous.

this summer, the big girl has been to basketball camp for a week, farm camp for two weeks (yea!!!), sleep-away farm camp, and is now doing two weeks of cooking camp. then a week of local rec dept camp and then we're all headed for a godwilling glorious week in wellfleet.

it's time to get in my kayak again, to introduce the babelet to sand and shells and tide-pools.

it's been a while...

2010-06-02T20:57:00.005-04:00

...nearly three months! Nina is a total charmgirl. She eats tons of things -- pizza and pineapple and tofu and grilled chicken with an Indonesian spice rub and hummus and on and on. She drinks from a little straw cup, though she needs to learn to stop her sips, as she just drinks way too much and sputters otherwise. She's pulling herself up onto anything, and this past weekend, she climbed up the 2 steps from the family room into the kitchen, and she started saying...mama!

Even though it's been so long, this is just a drop-in post to remind myself to post more. We're doing great -- making our own yogurt and ice cream and soap (H makes it and people love it!) -- I built a raised bed a couple of weeks ago and we put in a veggie garden, and in general I think we're headed in a good direction, family-wise. Plus, our new radiator covers make me swoon. The radiator covers in two bedrooms, though they represent an outlay of money rather than crafty or handy effort, are also my latest delights, as they make our home look more, well, homey.

and a snapshot of the girl who makes our home look homey.

our sweet potato

2010-03-06T19:27:00.008-05:00

So, a little update post. In the eating department, Nina has now eaten (in addition to the banana) broccoli, apple, a disc of raw carrot at the Himalayan Bistro (where we went to celebrate Jo's arrival day!) along with teensy tastes of mint and tamarind -- and this evening at dinner, she had sweet potato fries and oatmeal! Now, not a great deal of food is actually getting in, but she's biting away and mooshing it around in there, and there were definite swallowing sounds! bits of gagging here and there, but that's a part of the whole baby led weaning enterprise. The babelet even spent a good deal of time with the spoon in her mouth, even if it wasn't the traditional eating-end of the spoon.

For Purim, our family dressed as Red Sox players and said we were Spring Training -- and we won second place! I was so happy that Hali did it, because she's not big on costumery or having things not be what they seem, so baseball players seemed like an innocuous way to start. I also made her a wool felted crown, but alas, in the felting process it became too small for her head...

I also did a little editing of her Er.go -- took off the label and ironed a few patches, just for a spot of fun. Not the same as sewing my own baby carrier, but it's a start. In the sewing department: I also bought fabric to make little birdie for a mobile for Nina's room, and I'm very excited to start. I think I should probably throw the fabrics in the wash first, but I *so* much want to get started! In the meantime, I'm knitting Hali some mittens, and I have yarn for a pair of pants I'm going to make for Nina for next year.

Hali is getting into the whole homemade life herself, and this evening she's making soap and ice cream. Sure, money's tight, but we're having fun.

babylife

2010-02-19T12:23:00.004-05:00

is going well! (other than sleep, but that's its own ball of wax) Nina started playcare -- the term that helps me make peace with her being in day care -- a few weeks ago, and though it's not a Montessori, big windows and all-wood everything, it's great. She is in a home day care that is across the street from our house, in a house with a double backyard and 6 other kidlets. Today, after going to meet a group of moms and a dad (from a local parents listserv) for coffee, I brought Nina over and they were in the yard, snow and all, playing in the sunshine.

I thought 'o, it's too bad that Nina needs her diaper changed and is ready for a nap, because now someone will have to go inside with her,' -- but I was pleasantly surprised! They have a changing table and a crib in the open garage by the yard, and they'll just wrap her in the sleep sack and swaddle her up and my little girl will get a midwinter nap en plein air...so very sweet.

Otherwise, she's fabulous. SItting unassisted, trying out the high chair, which is our old Tripp Trapp (from when Jo was younger!), chewing on spoons -- and has even tried a banana once! I said to H, "Look, she just put it right in her mouth -- she knew just what to do and put it in without even figuring it out!" H looked at me funny, because the part I was missing is that Nina puts everything in her mouth...Anyway, she enjoyed it, and I enjoyed calling her baNina for a day or two.

navigating simplicity

2010-01-18T12:25:00.006-05:00

so, where to begin? our little sprout is 4 months old, I'm back at work, about to launch into part-time childcare for Nina (something I'd never really envisioned...), and trying to figure out how to simplify our life, weave together the experiences and needs of one pre-existing child with my priorities for our family, and not spend so much of that time on the internet!

small accomplishment: I have knitted a couple of cloths for Nina, which were to be washcloths, but seem to be little lickie cloths at the moment. I made them with red yarn from a never-completed sweater for a friend's son. son is now 15. (!).

I just may follow my friend Casey's lead and start ordering a weekly vegetable delivery from Boston Organics -- which seems like a compromise between a CSA which hasn't been the right mix of veggies for our family, and going to a farmer's market, which just isn't in the cards yet due to my still trying to navigate my life.

the hard part: Hali was single for several years before we met, working full-time and going to school, and Jo has Cerebral Palsy and is (basically) an only child (she has 2 older half-sisters, but they're grown and in the world. As a result, Hali became accustomed to Jo watching a lot of junky TV -- it was the only break Hali had to do things like make dinner and such -- and we also own a Wii. Apparently the Wii is, in theory, good for Jo to work on strengthening her muscles and coordination (she uses one with her OT), and as a child who is sporty -- and an only child, and one with CP, and therefore not so easily able to play sports with other kids -- the Wii makes some things possible that wouldn't otherwise be an option without a tremendous effort of time, money, and/or expense, none of which we have at the moment.

So what do I do? I don't want Nina growing up with iCarly in the background. Probably I mostly need to chill the heck out, but I'd love others' perspectives on becoming a simple-living family. Hali does support my interests for the most part, and TV watching has gone down, so perhaps I need to be more patient and put more energy into what I can do and less into what others are or are not doing, and go from there...

hanukah with kids

2009-12-19T21:06:00.004-05:00

the best package ever arrived in the mail from Gram and Zayde! for years, I've felt bad not to have given my mom grandchildren because I know that she would send them the cutest little packages...

and now I have.

and she did.

striped tights and a polka-dot hat and onesies and teething rings for Nina.
Hello Kitty markers and a journal and a notepad for Jo.
dark chocolate and tea for us.
a batch of her oatmeal cookies for everyone.
and yes, even a sweater for the dog! (says: bah humbug)
the gifts were wrapped in color comics (I'm originally from St. Louis, where there are color comics every day!) and the chinese american news and little organza bags -- blue and white for Hanukah -- except o yea! the chocolate gelt in a gold bag. ;)

a totally sweet package, a box filled with small treats.

and then today, I spent the day making hot cocoa mix for Jo's teachers and some local folks, and then wrapping them up with ribbon and fabric. very slowly working my way up to Lynn's level (familiystylelove.blogspot.com) -- with a long way to go!

2009-11-15T08:41:00.007-05:00

So, I had 8 weeks of 'maternity leave' -- in quotation marks because during that time, I had to officiate at 5 bar/bat mitzvahs, prepare a curriculum for my 10th graders, and get some things together for the cantor, which required a number of backs and forths... Now, the plan was to have my first two weeks back at work be half-weeks (i.e. 15 instead of 30 hours), but I am now headed for 30 hours just this week alone, plus an unexpected funeral.

Of course, the work itself is a bit of a juggle -- being back at work with the babe is interesting -- as a rabbi I'm either supposed to be thinking Big Serious Meaningful Thoughts and/or having a Meaningful Interaction with a congregant or student. Mostly what I do is jiggle the baby and try to sound like I'm typing Something Very Important. My congregation is 45 minutes away, so I'm also juggling her nap time to try to coincide with driving. works sometimes; others, not so much.

In the meantime, Nina is doing great -- first of all, she has fabulous head control (it's a start!), smiles lots, and is doing great at sleeping. A couple of feeds in the night, but they're dream feeds, so we're both pretty happy.

ok. time to cram before teaching later this morning!

health

2009-10-20T09:20:00.001-04:00

whew. from curious to scary to fine...

for a few days, I'd noticed that Nina seemed to have a mucousy ear. I really didn't think it was a big deal, just strange -- but the doc said the words "children's hospital-ER-rule out meningitis" and that made for some scariness.

so I got Hali and went, and fell apart and held it together alternatingly, and it seems that Nina has swimmer's ear (aka out ear infection). I was so scared when I thought my baby daughter might be seriously sick...dear god. and grateful to live 10 minutes from boston children's hospital.

and now, she's just sitting on Hali's lap, doing the same silly jiggle-head and tongue-trick things Hali is doing, and I am amazed that she can mimic things already, and amazed at our good fortune...

newborn life

2009-10-02T11:20:00.005-04:00

So, I'm doing ok here in newbornland -- some nights are better than others, but clearly, not overstimulating her with running around during the day is key. Yes to going out, no to going to 5 places in one day. We went for our first walk yesterday -- I put her in the stroller and walked around the neighborhood, then stopped at home, grabbed my library card and walked there to get 2 books I had on hold (it was 3 actually, but the third was Ina May's Guide to Childbirth -- too late!). Who knows if I'll actually get to read the books, but it felt great. I've also learned to start the day slowly for now, going down to make my coffee after H & J leave, then climbing back in bed for a nurse/snooze with Nina. makes the day immensely better. Today, I have already prepped dinner and I am nearing the end of the 4-6 washing/drying cycles for the diaper inserts. Which means that very soon, we will bite the bullet and become CD mamas!

In Nina's first two weeks, she went to a Rosh Hashanah lunch (at 5 daysold!), attended three high holiday services, went to my favorite grocery store, and came along for that trip to the library!

Didn't post this when I wrote it yesterday, so I can now add that Nina's tushie is now safely ensconced in a cloth diaper. Love doing it, but I have to say, it's not as trim as those disposables...plus, what with being dressed and all, you can't see the CUTEness of the cloth, alas. ;)

arrived.

2009-09-26T14:33:00.008-04:00

our sweet Nina is here. She eats like a champ, sleeps like a dream -- well, except for 2-4 AM...

Sometimes I get overwhelmed at her vulnerability and that she is my/our responsibility for everything, and other times, I feel so completely blessed to teach her about trees and French toast and walking on the beach. Her big sister (H's daughter) has taken quite a liking to her new little sister, thank GOODNESS. My mom is here for 2 weeks, which has been great. I feel a bit spoiled, but it really is nice to have someone bring me a glass of water, or hold her little granddaughter while I take a shower, all of it. Jo seems to be connecting even more with my parents as her own grandparents, with no pushing from us. We've encouraged the relationship, but we've been careful not to push her to see them as grandp's unless and until she chooses to.

I am loving being a mom, loving feeding her, staring into her sometimes-open eyes, amazed that she looks like me and is at the same time very much her own person...what will this be, motherhood?

39+ weeks

2009-08-29T09:10:00.002-04:00

well, I'm 2 months into my rabbi gig, and 9 months into my pregnancy gig. I'm now at home (i.e. not going to work until after my maternity leave!), which is great, and I am totally ready for this little duckling to emerge... The only thing I really want to do is cook, simply because I like to cook -- but between the swollen achy ankles and the neuropathy in my hands from the pregnancy/carpal tunnel phenomenon, even cooking seems to leaved me wiped out.

and today, Hali greeted me in the kitchen with some good news-bad news. bad news: we need a new water heater (old one seems to be leaking all over the basement floor). good news: we're alive and well and the guys will be here to replace it in the next 2 hours. My life really has gone from single gal in the city to home-owning-family-person in a very short time!

interdependence day

2009-07-07T08:41:00.005-04:00

so, apparently I've ignored the blog for a while...in the meantime, I'm now 32 weeks pregnant and MARRIED!!! H and I were married on Sunday, the first weekend of sun in about a month, and I am happy happy happy...

a few things I would do differently if I could have a do-over: 1. I would get the cake from my favorite bakery. (the cupcakes we did, at each table, were actually a bit dry, and the cake from my favorite place, which we did have two nights before the wedding, is STILL perfect.) 2. I would have a definite dance floor and a DJ. (we used an iPod, and things just didn't fall into place, dance-wise. 3. I would serve twice as much sangria. (it was fabulous.)

photos soon!

I am loving being pregnant, loving feeling this babelet move around, and I am tremendously glad that between now and then, I only have to go to work, live my regular life, and drink more water. buying a house, graduating, negotiating a job, planning a wedding, and getting married have been a bit much activity!

employed

2009-04-17T16:04:00.005-04:00

So, it appears that I will be graduating with a job! (phew.) Once contract details are worked out, I am going to be the rabbi of a 220-family Reform congregation -- the people have been wonderful, and though I will have a long commute, I will usually be there only 3 days per week.

While right now I am a single person, renting a very cute little apartment by myself, in just a few short months, I will be (godwilling) a homeowner, spouse, parent and step-parent, co ngregational rabbi, and mind-boggled person.

the zodiac up there is from the 6th-century synagogue at Beit Alpha, in northern Israel. I first saw this zodiac in a class -- during my first year of school -- on the book of Genesis, and then traveled to Israel that summer and saw it in person. While the tile-work in the synagogue where I'll be working is not quite that detailed, I have dreams...and yea, they're mostly architectural.

Meanwhile, the little Virgo inside of me seems to be dancing up a storm. I can't imagine that it has anything to do with the sugar high of the leftover toasted-coconut-marshmallows I just ate, does it? ;)

thumper

2009-04-13T11:32:00.002-04:00

ok, so that may be overstating it a teensy, but last night I actually felt Cleo (that's her inside name) thump me a bit! it was definitely her, because my eyes just flew open that instant, and it was just...different from anything I've felt before. surreal and real and stunning.

I had just been thinking yesterday evening about what a tremendous miracle it is how humans develop inside other humans from little gooey specks, and how amazing and convenient -- despite the discomforts of pregnancy -- that we literally get to carry them inside at the perfect temperature, getting them everything they need. it's just stunning. and then Cleo lets me know she's in there. and then I can just go about my night and day as I would. wild. and much easier than I know parenting will be...

way to go, Iowa!

2009-04-03T21:30:00.005-04:00

It's such sweet news that Iowa has recognized the need for marriage equality today -- and I'm more than a little excited to be friends with the lead couple (the Varnum in Varnum v. Brien)! I'm so glad that my wonderful midwest is part of the progressive front in this issue...

Of course, life has continued along, and quite blessedly for me, I have to say. The short version:

1. I'm now 18 weeks pregnant (totally showing, and now wearing maternity clothes!), and it's been smooth sailing so far.

2. I also got a job as a congregational rabbi, which I'm so happy about. Graduating at the end of May, and then I imagine I'll start work at the end of June or beginning of July.

3. H and I are buying a house, and it's sweet and old and has a fireplace and a yard with a garden.

4. H and I are getting married! July 5th.

Really, the only thing that I could heap on top of this would be to win the lottery...

2009-02-28T10:35:00.004-05:00

ok, I have been an absent blogger. I'm still loving the PB and honey on toast, but holy smokes, I'm already at 13w 3d! In the meantime: I have heart the babe's lovely HB several times, and I had a CVS done last week, which showed a chromosomally healthy little baby -- GIRL. More than anything, the gender thing just makes it so much more real.

I've continued to be hungry all the time, and still tired, but a bit less perhaps, and am just realizing today that I'm either getting fussier about my coffee (as in, only I can make it right!), or I'm just not loving coffee as much right now. Which is a bummer. Coffee is to mornings what mint chip ice cream is to evenings, only *way* more so, and with a much longer history. Coffee and I have been together, for, oh, forever...

I'm definitely porkier -- a friend who does know I'm pregnant said that if he didn't know, he'd just say that I'm looking portly. um, thanks. Anyway, my hope is to get through job interviews without being obviously pregnant, but I'm thinking that is going to get more tricky very soon.

In other news, H and I have put in an offer on a house to buy, and she told her daughter last night about the prospect of moving. It was finally time to help her put together the idea of our getting married with the implication of a bigger place. Her response: as long as she can stay at her current school and bring her Wii to the new house, she's game. :) So we'll see what happens on the house front, and meanwhile I had better get cracking on my homework.

one hungry gal!

2009-01-19T13:36:00.002-05:00

So, it would seem that all it takes to bring me blissful happiness the last couple of days is PB and honey on toast. or sometimes melted cheese on toast. I do wish for a tinge more symptom-ness (tremendous puking not so much), just so I'd have a better sense of being pregnant. My first MW appointment isn't until Feb 2 -- oh, the long wait...

Today I am writing a paper on Jewish mysticism -- ah, yes, the end of last semester! -- and then I will get more on board with my project of bringing organic, grass-finished, sustainably-sourced beef and lamb to Providence (available kosher or not, halal-process too)! I bet you weren't expecting me to say that, eh?

one hungry caterpillar!

2009-01-09T11:17:00.004-05:00

I am very relieved to say that there is one little bean in there, which H and I saw on my first ultrasound yesterday! Stunning, really, to realize that there is a heart beating deep inside me, that two little cells have evolved to this point and godwilling will continue to do so. The little blob we saw looked like the bean was *all* heart :) -- because the whole blob was whomping around in the sac. This means that I've graduated from the RE office and now need to choose a midwife, also stunning.

Amidst all this, I am enjoying getting to be a bit of the earth mama I hope to be. Which at the moment, other than making my own yogurt, mostly means eating very well/organic/nothing processed, being calm, listening to soothing music, trying to get enough exercise and water and omega-3s, sleep, yadda. It's not as challenging at this point as I imagine it would be with a human on the outside!

And gosh, I am HUNGRY ALL THE TIME! I woke up in the night restless and feeling hungry, and I thought "hunger and thirst often feel the same; I'll start with a large glass of water" (so I don't eat every single time the thought occurs to me) -- but lo and behold, after the water and some reading, I was still definitely hungry. Ate some walnuts, and woke up at 7 AM...hungry.

2009-01-02T16:27:00.001-05:00

well, a little update: my betas have been good -- a bit too good, I fear! -- 12 DPO: 53; 14 DPO: 150; 23 DPO: 7800 (that last one was today). So, yes, I'm clearly pregnant for now...I really want this to be a healthy singleton pregnancy, and I'm beginning to wonder whether I have a whole preschool in there!

2008-12-21T20:52:00.004-05:00

Well, for the moment I seem to be pregnant -- two pink lines this morning!! Now, I just keep praying hard...

The photo on the left there isn't actually *my* pregnancy test, as I seem to have thrown out the cord that connects my camera to my computer, alas. But you get the idea.

Blood test tomorrow...

2008-12-16T19:53:00.001-05:00

ok, I know I'm a bad poster, but at the moment, I want to add that I had 3 embryos transferred on Saturday, and today the lab said that one little ball of cells made to totsicle stage! I now have 3 in the deep freeze.

otherwise, it's just 6DPO/3dp3dt, so I'm going slowly crazy...

2008-12-12T07:36:00.004-05:00

well, it seems round 2 is here! I got a bit lazy about posting, because this is what I would have said: "wishing I were pregnant. having a hard time getting any schoolwork done."

so, my ER was Wednesday, and although there were just 6 eggs (17 last time!), all 6 fertilized, and the woman at the lab I spoke to yesterday was so nice and helpful and reassuring and offering me good information all around. later today, I'll find out how the little buds are doing, and if they're doing well, I'll probably have the transfer tomorrow.

meanwhile, I do have other news, which is that H (the gf) and I have decided to get hitched! ring and all! it happened just before Thanksgiving, at an Italian restaurant in my neighborhood (I had puttanesca; she had ravioli), and just after saying 'yes' church bells starting play Christmas carols. ah, the beauty of life. :)

2008-11-03T19:21:00.002-05:00

yea! onto round 2 indeed. have I mentioned how much I like my RE practice? I very much do. Anyway, tomorrow I'll go back to the BCP and then onto the injections. Dr. B is quite hopeful -- though I didn't get pregnant with my first IVF, all of the numbers were good and there isn't reason to worry, other than the fact that I'm 41...

2008-11-02T20:33:00.001-05:00

well, it's time for round 2. no dice on the first IVF, alas. seeing Dr. B. in the AM. more soon.

crabby and sad

2008-10-30T13:39:00.002-04:00

so it's 10dp3dt/13dpo, and BFN. I am mildly encouraged by FF's stats that 57% of BFPs happen at 14dpo or more, but I'm still under the covers anyway. Tomorrow morning is my beta. Not much else to report.

Well, except that I had what I thought was a job interview on Tuesday, only to find out that *now* she'll send me application materials... oy.

ok. in positive news, today I received my fabulous new heated mattress pad, and I think I'm in love.

transfer!

2008-10-21T14:30:00.005-04:00

oops -- sorry! they did indeed do the ET yesterday, 3 embryos (2 were 7-cell; 1 was 6-cell and compacting, which is a good thing, because that means it's getting ready to divide). there are 8 more that they're going to keep culturing, but the RE wasn't all that hopeful that I'd get any totsicles out of them. Right before the transfer, the woman from the lab brought me the lid from the petri dish as a souvenir, which of course I've been carrying around in my pocket in case the embryos miss their first home, of course!

H was there for the whole thing, and I think she mostly enjoyed talking with one of the nurses about their respective little dogs. The time in the transfer room did include a while when I could see a reflection of the 'action' before they moved the reflective light fixture from right over me. It was kind of cool.

Needless to say, I felt victorious when I realized that I'd made coffee this morning without obsessing about whether the pregnancy will take; even took a shower and got dressed without thinking about it. Otherwise, yea, mostly thinking about it. Is it the 31st yet?

What I actually should be thinking about is the reading I need to do for my Zohar class, and the paper I need to write for my leadership seminar. So perhaps I'll refresh my peppermint tea and read a bit.

2008-10-19T12:58:00.003-04:00

wow. there are 11 eggs that have fertilized, and 8 of them are at the desired 4-cell stage (desired for 2 days post-retrieval)! tomorrow morning 8:30 is the transfer, and I'm so praying that this results in a sweet baby...aware that it might not, but hopeful nonetheless. I had an acupuncture appointment yesterday, and I have another scheduled right after the transfer. that's me for now -- the rest of today will include soup-making, maybe a movie, and the seventh game of the ALCS.

2008-10-18T09:01:00.003-04:00

so, retrieval was yesterday, and they got 17 eggs! of course, not all of them are mature enough, and between that and my age, I'm certain that it won't be a whole baseball team of embryos, but I'll have the initial fertilization report later today. other than the fact that I feel like my lower abdomen is a gas chamber, the process was painless and easy. I have an acupuncture appointment this afternoon and likely one on the day of transfer; otherwise, it's life as usual.

she aims, she shoots

2008-10-15T21:39:00.004-04:00

yea! I got to do my trigger tonight, which means that I'm having the egg retrieval on friday morning. there were 14 juicy follicles, a couple on the small side, but some nice ones too. this is where it now starts to get complicated and question-filled: will they fertilize? will just one pretty please implant and grow into a baby? be healthy? remember to say thank you and look before crossing the street? ooh, I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

shooting up

2008-10-10T13:28:00.003-04:00

dear heavens, I've been remiss!!!

so, yes, I'm on the bandwagon...4 injections each day, and I'm loving it.

yes, you read that correctly. I get to do 2 injections in the morning and 2 more in the evening, and you'd think it was mint chip ice cream or a beach vacation the way I look forward to it, but it's true. they don't hurt, they bring me closer to the potential of pregnancy and parenthood, and I love having a new skill.

so far, I don't think they've made me moody -- unless skippity and giddy count as moody -- though my belly looks a bit battered from all the needles. I also am feeling good about the Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur services I led, together with a first-year student from my school, and glad now for the beauty of autumn and a few more days off from school.

ah, pills!

2008-09-14T10:08:00.004-04:00

Trying to get pregnant, modern era: So it's been a year, and of course I've read all there is to read about tummy time and swaddling and eating pineapple for implantation, and raising baby on a budget, and FertiliTea, and whatever else I think might bring forth the angels of conception, because just waiting has lost its shine at this point. So what brings forth a moment of excitement this morning, coffee in hand?

"Oh! I haven't yet taken today's birth control pill!"

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the one thing I can do right now to get pregnant is Take Birth Control. Modern livin' -- funny, ain't it?

2008-09-05T07:38:00.003-04:00

Well, we may be onto something here! I reached the start of this cycle, and I'm happily popping birth control pills in preparation for the IVF. My RE's office gave me a lovely little booklet about the various stabbing instructions for the injections, which I'll start sometime in a week or so, I think. Four each day --

Meanwhile, I'm in the midst of various school-year things starting. We just had a good week of pre-high holiday learning, and this afternoon I'm headed with my friend N and her 2-month-old painfully cute son A to a retreat at a camp in NH with my school. This is my last year in school, and already I'm nostalgic about each 'last' thing...

happy birthday, Julia Child

2008-08-15T10:23:00.006-04:00

Two topics: one, blood work. two, Julia Child. (no, not the spy thing, which I've actually not read about yet)

blood work: FSH= 4.59, so that's super! and my estrodial was 60, also good. Now, I'm on to the C.lomid Challenge, popping pills for 5 days.

Julia Child: Today would have been her 96th birthday, so of course I'm having a Shabbat birthday dinner of her recipes in her memory. Since it's a summer evening, I'm going simple: chicken sauteed in white wine, and a nice salad with a simple vinaigrette. And certainly, wine to drink! I'm in the middle of listening to her book, My Life in France, so it's perfect timing.

Westfalia: ok, this is the third topic. A 1991 VW Westfalia in great condition is what I'd like for my graduation next year. A lot to hope for, but there it is.

2008-08-12T13:41:00.002-04:00

welp, I'm hoping I'm getting back on the track. after waiting for 2 months, my uterus decided to shed its lining, so today I went to get preliminary bloodwork done, and I'm not at home, biting my nails and hoping for good numbers.

Clomid and the Cape

2008-08-02T19:21:00.006-04:00

Well, I've not had much to report, but a friend just noted my lack of blogging, and having interested readership is the best, so here I am! Apparently my body wanted to test my patience, so I'm still waiting to do the Clomid Challenge (no, it doesn't involve laundry, just testing my egg production), which if things go well should be in about 11 days, and then the cycle that I would actually do the IVF! It will be interesting to juggle all the ultrasound wanding of my uterus and associated neighborhood, the needles in my belly, together with the first weeks of school and my internship and preparing to lead services for the high holidays...

In other news, things are going well with H -- we went on our first little vacation together, to the Cape (i.e. Cod), and had a super time. We rented our friends' house in Chatham, but mostly enjoyed my familar haunts of Wellfleet, Cliff Pond in Nickerson State Park, and Provincetown, beach and town. Kayaking, swimming, good food, and fun people-watching. Strange, though, it was family week in P'town -- for LGBT families -- and yet there were tons of straight families. Like you'd expect at a baseball game, regular ordinary straight. Tons of 'em! I didn't love it. We did, however, have a couple of friendly brief encounter conversations with a sweet gay couple and their two sons, and I decided that I would love to be friends with a gay couple and their kids. I know it sounds commodifying of me, but I really like men, and frankly gay men who are parents have just the right combination of manly and sweet. It didn't hurt that they live in California; too bad I don't know their last names.

2008-06-20T14:13:00.004-04:00

can I use that timer below for all of my posts? last month's good-girl waiting didn't seem to be the ticket to pregnancy, alas. on to IVF!

so, in order to get things clear, I just went to the financial office at my RE -- and they were fabulous -- to find out what was what with some billing confusion and with pursuing this IVF, and it turns out that I need to do yet another test that it's too late to do in order for me to do IVF next month (had to take this month off because I needed to do tests before getting insurance approval), so I now have an added mandate to get in total shape this summer, before going for the IVF in August.

so that's what I'm going to be up to -- getting my body in shape, getting my leftover schoolwork done, and generally getting more ready to be in my life successfully! I know, it sounds like new year's day resolutions...

2008-06-08T22:43:00.005-04:00

well, it's one thing to think that people will read my blog in the first place, but if I don't write anything, well, sheesh. what do I expect?

so I will now let you in on my last week: lots of waiting. it's really not all that exciting. I did my taxes today (at last!), and I'm glad to report that I'm getting a nice refund, and I did enjoy watering my garden, which is very very satisfying. for 13 years in my old apartment, I had a perennial garden that I loved, including some plants that I miss very much (sappy but true). my new apartment is in a more urban neighborhood, without a lovely grassy yard for a perennial garden, but I have a wonderful little patch about 3' x 6' where I've planted my first adult vegetable garden. and the planties are thriving!!! broccoli, tomatoes, beets, eggplant, onions, nasturtiums, parsley, basil, mint (yes of course it's in a pot!), red bell peppers, lettuce, sage, thyme, rosemary, and sunflowers for fun in the back. hey! I have all of the simon and garfunkel herbs!

I've decided to wait until 15 DPO this month, and today is 13 DPO, so I'm getting there. it's not the waiting that's so hard, it's the not knowing. tomorrow I'm driving to NYC to spend the day with my friend A, which will be great, and a good distraction; then I drive home, go to sleep, and POAS the next morning. so very much hoping for good news...stay tuned.

2008-05-30T10:52:00.003-04:00

So, I'm sitting at my current fave coffee shop (independently owned, amazing and chewy homemade granola bars, free wifi, and well, cupcake happy hour), working on a paper -- yes, due today -- for a course I just finished, titled Rabbinic Anthropology. I loved this class, and it was super to end the year in an intensive seminar that just evoked for me so much happiness and gratitude to be in this school. Because the paper topic is one that addresses Big Questions rather than a more concrete/detailed topic, it feels like a coda to the whole year, though I'm no Beethoven.

Besides, in theory it keeps me distracted from Wondering.

hope springs eternal

2008-05-26T20:40:00.006-04:00

Alas, lovely crampishness does not always a baby make. So, today it was on to IUI #8 -- H came along with me (and oy, we left her unknowing daughter in the waiting room!), and once again I'm in the land of the hopeful. Afterward, the three of us went to my favorite place for pizza, took a walk on the beach, drove up to Boston, and had a sweet little Memorial Day bbq with friends. Had some sangria as well, because we were with friends who conceived on the night of having had too many cosmopolitans. In the alcohol department, I actually had quite little, but it was part of this month's round of superstitious fertility tricks. So for now I'm on to drinking lots of water, trying to eat well, and walk lots to encourage greater svelteness followed by pregnancy. That's the hope.

sunday morning

2008-05-04T12:20:00.009-04:00

pregnancy progress update: I have been having lovely crampishness and some calf pain, which a couple of my cyberfriends in fertilityland have said were early signs of pregnancy for them. so I'm being cautiously hopeful...

in other news, I am at H's house (new gf), where I have just committed to an exclusive datingship. it's been over 2 months, so it's definitely time. it's very nice to have a wonderful person to be with. and it's a nice plus that she also made me coffee this morning!

my plans for the day are very exciting: read a book by AJ Heschel (Who Is Man) and a couple of articles for a two-week intensive class that will finish out the semester. Actually, this class ends the day after the end-of- year party... Alas. But then it will be summer, and I am hoping to write a megillah (scroll of Esther) and kayak, and perhaps do some bartending and/or some internship-type of work.

lots of eggs

2008-04-25T15:30:00.006-04:00

so, this is the sixth time with my preferred donor -- did one in between with a spur-of-the-moment donor, and I'm actually glad it didn't work. no drama, just that I preferred My Guy. I did an IUI yesterday, preceded by an ultrasound peek at the follicles and a trigger shot. I LOVE the trigger shot. There's nothing like knowing exactly when I'm ovulating. Did I really just say that? Ovulation timing has become my most exciting activity? um, yes. (especially since I'd taken 100 mg of Clomid -- moved through that fear -- and had several nice big friendly follicles just waiting to be my child.)

I also had an acupuncture appointment early yesterday evening, then promptly went to buy fertility foods that I'd not yet tried: pineapple in two forms, sardines, brazil nuts, whole milk yogurt. and I ate an egg. with it being Passover, I have plenty of hard-boiled eggs in the fridge! and because I was following a Highly Scientific Theory of Someone's Embryologist, I had an Egg McMuffin (despite it being Passover) yesterday morning, before the IUI. I will also have another couple next week during the possible implantation days.

meanwhile, I'm waiting -- reading about what's happening with my cyber babymaking friends, and hoping every moment for fertility fortune to smile upon me.

very winter

2008-01-21T16:31:00.002-05:00

ok, so the third time wasn't the charm. if it had been, I would have had an embryo made almost completely of persimmons -- my last few weeks in Jerusalem, I must have eaten about 30 persimmons, which were a total delight. I'm now back home in Providence, where the fruit selection does not include guava, dragonfruit, or persimmons, but where my apartment does have central heating, so I'll go with that for now.

On the reproductive front, IUI #5 was this past Tuesday, and I'm now in the (what feels like a 5-month-long) two-week-wait. New developments this time: a friend came with me (I decided that yes, I'd faced the being a single parent thing, and it would be nice to have her company), and also I am now doing a little hormonal support. :)

I had a little fantasy that I'd be going on lots of wintry hikes when I got back here, but frankly, it's been more cold than inspiring; combined with a serious Winter Cold, I'm basically indoors. Hiking will have to commence once the temperature thaws a bit. In the meantime, I've decided that I will watch all of Sex and the City -- no, I'd never seen ANY episode before this week -- as my winter entertainment. So far: one season down, 5 to go.

turkey baster baby?

2007-11-20T10:57:00.003-05:00

so, it's a little embarrassing that it was my mother who put together this week's pregnancy pursuit with this week's pilgrim pursuit, but there it is. last month, the angels of conception were not so thrilled with my 6-hour hike in the Negev. I thought it was a very spiritual way to start a little life; they apparently did not.

so tomorrow is my third time (please be the charm) -- and not only is it cool in some general family sense to do this on the holiday of family gatherings, but for my particular family, Thanksgiving is the #1 holiday. e.g. my last 40 thanksgivings (which is all of them), I have spent with all of my relatives at my parents' house -- both sides of my family. yes, there are individuals and/or the cousins now in Texas who don't always make it, but if I were to say that my Thanksgiving is a family affair of about 50 people, that would be about right. so, as I am 5,000 miles away in Jerusalem, I find myself missing Thanksgiving for the first time in my life -- but for the fabulous opportunity to conceive in Jerusalem.

so, I'm happy about that -- couldn't really ask for better family karma -- and while I will so much miss cutting all the carrots, roasting the vegetables, pouring the juice into the same pitchers as they've been poured into for decades (apple, cran, tomato), putting the cloth napkins in the silver biscuit box for the pretzels, snitching bits of turkey while my dad carves it, asking my mom up the stairs how again I make the gravy, leaning against the kitchen counter and talking with my aunts and uncles -- I can tell that I'm beginning to get more concerned that it will go off without a hitch, without me even there.

ah life. can't have everything.

if a train leaves the station...

2007-10-23T16:37:00.005-04:00

So if I'm sitting in the Hadassah Hospital Women's Clinic (in Jerusalem), studying Talmud (for the class I am concurrently missing) while waiting to have an ultrasound, and a very regular-looking Jewish guy says 'behatzl'cha' (good luck/success)-- is he referring to my reproduction project or my Talmud study? I decide to take it as a double helping of hatzl'cha.

I started this blog at the inspired suggestion of Rachel Pepper (The Ultimate Guide to Pregnancy for Lesbians) -- she's on blog-hiatus, and this seems just slightly less ridiculous than Googling 'cervical mucus' yet again in an attempt to bring forth the angels of conception.